What Causes Sexless Relationships & How To Fix One, According To Sex Therapists

If you've found yourself in a sexless relationship, you likely have a lot of questions on your mind: What causes a relationship to become sexless? Is a sexless relationship healthy? And maybe the scariest question to ask yourself, especially if you've been in this relationship a long time and very much love the person you're with: Should you stay in a sexless relationship? Here are all the answers you're looking for, straight from sex and marriage therapists. 

"It's a bit arbitrary," Zimmerman tells mbg. "I am always hesitant to define what amount is a problem or to focus on frequency because just meeting a number doesn't mean your sex life is really working. Whenever we talk frequency, I think we are having the wrong conversation; it should be about quality—the degree to which both people find it enjoyable, engaging, and positive in their relationship."

In general, it's common for sex in long-term relationships to fluctuate in frequency and quality. One study1 found four in five couples dealt with mismatched libidos in the last month. "Sexless relationships happen all the time," marriage therapist and certified sex educator Lexx Brown-James, LMFT, tells mbg.

There's often not one direct cause that leads to sexless relationships but rather a myriad of factors that contribute to how a relationship slowly becomes sexless over time. Here are a few common contributing factors, according to Brown-James and sex therapist Vanessa Marin, LMFT:

"There's also so much misinformation out there about sex, and that can lead people to developing unhealthy relationships with it. For example, believing that sex should always be spontaneous," Marin adds. "And sometimes couples find themselves in a sexless marriage and can't even remember how they got there."

But she notes: If one or both people are unhappy with their sex life, it can cause negative feelings that can bubble up in other areas of their life and taint the rest of the relationship. When one or both people are unhappy with the sexlessness, she says some potential effects include:

"But if one or both people are unhappy, that will inevitably lead to a negative cycle and some spillover to the rest of their relationship," she notes. "If the sex life isn't 'healthy,' it doesn't mean the whole relationship isn't, but it can take a serious toll."

"A relationship without intimacy and passion that solely has commitment is called empty love," Brown-James says, citing psychologist Robert Sternberg's triangular theory of love. "These relationships can survive; however, partners might look more like roommates than lovers. There is one caveat where marriages without passion survive and thrive. Relationships where friendship and commitment are the base of connection survive and thrive when passion is absent."

It may not make sense for you to stay in a sexless relationship if any of the following are true for you, according to Zimmerman:

"One of the things that can keep people stuck and not dealing with the issues is the belief that this means their relationship is doomed," Zimmerman adds. "It doesn't have to mean that, but if people don't understand they can address the issues, they are likely to avoid the issue and doing anything to fix it."

Below are five more tips from Zimmerman, in her exact words:

Have a different kind of conversation, one that is meant to get you working on it as a team, as allies, committed to a win/win. Most couples in this situation believe their interests are opposed (more sex/less sex), but it's crucial to be working together on a sex life that works for both people. That has to come through in the conversations. And you have to keep the topic on the table, not just bring it up once a year.

What's gotten in the way of sex? Instead of anger that you aren't getting what you want, cultivate curiosity about why this is a struggle for your partner. There are many things that can get in the way, including relationship issues, power dynamics, the meaning of sex in your relationship, the sex itself, etc. You need to identify what's in the way and work together to change those aspects.

Challenge expectations about sex. Learn how it works. Redefine it so it's not attached to particular acts or outcomes. Create more flexibility around how you can share sexuality. Learn how sexual desire really works, and approach sex with openness to play rather than having specific metrics for success.

Rather than a binary yes/no (which so many people end up with), create room for "maybe." Let's get started and see what happens. Create those opportunities and enjoy them together, whether that results in "sex" the way you think of it or not. This is how you can take the pressure off—by learning to play and enjoy and create a way of engaging where there is no failure.

Schedule opportunities for this playground, this "maybe." Make it a regular part of your life—to be physically intimate in some way, without pressure that it has to be any particular act(s). And keep talking!

Just remember, it's perfectly normal to not want to have sex with your partner sometimes, and ebbs and flows in sexual desire within a relationship are common. As long as there's communication and a willingness to work together, relationships can survive these ups and downs without trouble.