The 7 'Systems' For A Better Relationship, According To A Couples Therapist

If you are not experiencing the relationship you want, it likely has to do with the fact that you and your partner are operating from fear and control rather than from love—which is why it's important to learn about the six different types of controlling relationship systems so you can enact change. Here's what you need to know about each one.

The other partner attempts to control getting approval or avoiding disapproval with compliance—i.e., giving themselves up—and with pacifying, explanations and defensiveness. This partner is covertly controlling. This system seems to work until the compliant partner becomes angry at the lack of reciprocity or the dominating partner becomes bored with the compliant partner.

In this system, both partners are using overt forms of control. There tends to be a lot of fighting in this system, with each partner being very reactive and blaming the other person for the problems. There may be a lot of juice in this system, due to the intensity of the arguing, but eventually this is quite wearing on both partners.

In this system, one partner uses overt forms of control, while the other partner withdraws their love as a form of punishment—a covert form of control. Each partner blames the other: "If only she wasn’t so angry, I wouldn’t withdraw." "If only he didn’t always shut me out, I wouldn’t be so angry." Both are right and both are wrong. They are right in that each of them can change the system by learning to love themselves and share their love. They are wrong in that they each came into the relationship with their learned ways of controlling, and the other person doesn’t cause them to react the way they do.

In this system, one is overtly controlling while the other goes into resistance to being controlled. Again, each generally blames the other for the problems in the relationship.

In this system, both people try to gain approval by people-pleasing. This is generally a calm system and may look like a loving system, but when the giving has an agenda, it’s a covert form of control. This system generally lacks the juice necessary for true intimacy.

In this system, both people have cut their losses and shut down. They don’t want to leave and be alone, but the system is too unsafe to be open and honest with each other.

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