I'm A Self-Compassion Expert: Here Are 5 Ways To *Actually* Be Kind To Yourself

You'd be hard-pressed to find someone who associates compassion and kindness with negative effects. In fact, kindness is backed by very solid science (dubbed the "Mother Teresa effect1")—it has both mental and physical health benefits. But what about self-compassion? What about being kind to yourself? Yes, we generally associate each with positivity and warmth; putting it into practice, though, that's a more difficult nut to crack. 

It's something Kristin Neff, Ph.D., a pioneer in the field of self-compassion and associate professor in human development at the University of Texas at Austin, has dedicated her entire career to: "The last 10 years I've focused on teaching people how to be more self-compassionate," she shares on this episode of the mindbodygreen podcast. "Because it's not enough to say this is a good thing. How do we teach people to do it?" 

"You can't even begin the process without awareness," says Neff. Meaning: If you aren't aware of your thoughts and feelings, how can you even begin to transform them into warmth and kindness? 

The second step, says Neff, is to acknowledge your pain—value it, even. "You need to be willing to be present with pain," she explains. "If you shove it down, if you pretend it's not there, you can't be compassionate." 

On a similar note, Neff explains that it's helpful to acknowledge that pain is a common human experience. Because valuing your pain can easily tip over into a self-pity mindset: "[Self-pity] is actually not very healthy," Neff says. "Even though you may care for yourself, it's a very self-focused stance." 

It seems counterintuitive: How can you be kind to yourself and angry? But according to Neff, there's a difference between constructive and destructive anger. "If you're ruminating in anger, if you're lost in it, it's causing harm," she says. "But if you're accepting your anger and grateful for it, it can actually be very empowering." 

According to Neff, most of us are way more compassionate to others than we are to ourselves. So her to-do is simple: "Ask yourself, 'How do I treat my good friends when they're feeling bad about themselves?' And then ask the same question for yourself, 'What do I say to myself internally?'" If you have two wildly different responses, well, you may have your answer.