7 Telltale Signs You're Dealing With Someone Who's Self-Absorbed

We've all met people who seem to constantly make everything about themselves, with little to no regard for others. And whether you're dating them, friends with them, or they're a family member, you've probably noticed they're not exactly pleasant to be around. Here's how to be sure you're dealing with a self-absorbed person and what to do about it, according to experts.

According to clinical psychologist Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy, we see this behavior in children between the ages of 2 and 6, who are going through something called the pre-operational stage, which is very egocentric. It's to be expected in children, she notes, but for adults who are self-absorbed, "it's almost like they never outgrew that stage—even if they have great scripts and can mask their self-absorption."

And even if a self-absorbed person may not qualify for the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), Birkel says, they can still have narcissistic tendencies like manipulation, controlling, and a general lack of empathy or concern for others. Just as a square is a rectangle but a rectangle isn't a square, a narcissist is self-absorbed, but a self-absorbed person isn't necessarily a narcissist.

One of the more obvious signs of self-absorption is when someone is always calling the shots. Whether it's where you're going for dinner or when you have sex, Birkel says this kind of person wants everything their way and will probably not appreciate your thoughts, ideas, or recommendations.

Is this person always trying to one-up you? Or in some cases, "one-down" you? Neo explains that self-absorbed people always make everything a competition. They may brag about an accomplishment right after you shared your own exciting news, or in the case of "one-downing," she adds, "they'll want to compete with you about how they're suffering more" when you're upset about something.

As Birkel notes, things like emotional manipulation and controlling behavior are certainly signs someone is self-absorbed because someone who cares for the people in their life won't be constantly exhibiting those types of behaviors. This is where you want to look out for other signs of narcissism, such as gaslighting and emotional abuse.

There are some self-absorbed people who know what they should say in certain situations, even if they don't really mean it. Keep an eye out for toxic positivity, Neo says, in those moments when someone says something that seems nice but isn't really helpful and is actually dismissing your concerns or problems.

Similar to toxic positivity, there are other ways a self-absorbed person can "mask" their self-centeredness. According to Neo, a lot of people like this "tend to be able to pick up the right things to say or know to praise you." But once they've said the right things, she adds, they'll weasel in some competition or bring the conversation back to themselves.

Simply put, "They want to be the center of attention," Birkel says—and they'll make it so. Neo echoes this, adding that a self-absorbed person knows how to tailor the conversation to them and can always bring it back to them. And when they're not the center of attention, she adds, they may appear visibly bored or uninterested with their body language.

Self-absorbed people can be very charming or interesting at first, Birkel notes. "They can come across as emotionally intelligent initially," he explains, adding that because there's a lot of closed-off people out there, it can be refreshing to hear someone talk openly about themselves. But you want to be mindful of this, he says, and pay attention to whether they show interest in you, too, by asking questions and simply listening.

When it gets particularly toxic, you may even start to "tiptoe around the other person's emotions and take responsibility or blame for how the other person is feeling," he says. And that can really chip away at someone's self-esteem and cause someone to internalize that blame, he adds.

Once you've set your boundaries firmly, hold to them. And if they don't like that, they're ultimately not someone you want in your life, Birkel says. "It's a good litmus test to set boundaries with people like this because it will help you decide to what extent you want them in your life."

From generally self-absorbed people to full-blown narcissists, the bottom line is, if someone isn't a positive presence to be around, drains your energy, and shows no care or concern for you, they're not worth keeping around. While it can be hard to cut ties, sometimes it's necessary for the sake of our own well-being. If you think someone in your life is truly self-absorbed, and they don't respond well to your boundaries, do yourself a favor and don't offer them any more of your energy.