10 Reasons Women Don't Always Have Orgasms

With that in mind, here are ten reasons why women can struggle with the orgasm and suggestions for how to remedy that struggle.

Just like learning to skip, it comes more easily to some people than others, it takes persistence to learn, and nobody ever really has to. But it sure is a fun game, and everybody deserves a chance to try it. (Here's our guide on how to make a woman orgasm.)

There probably are women who never orgasm ever in their whole lives. But in my experience, any woman interested enough in sex to want to have an orgasm almost certainly can, given the right context – i.e., enough activation of the accelerator and letting go of all the brakes.

Maybe it’s because they’ve had a long, hard day, and it’s just not worth the effort. Maybe they enjoy the pleasure of arousal all on its own, without the goal of orgasm. And you know what? Maybe they’re withholding their orgasms from their partner because it takes a lot of trust to let go that much, it’s a huge gift to the partner, and it can even slingshot a couple into a deeper level of intimacy. Sometimes a relationship isn’t in a place that makes orgasm seem like a good idea. (Yes, there's such a thing as a bad orgasm.)

It still surprises me how many women believe orgasm should just happen, more or less without effort, just through clitoral stimulation. Even the clitoris needs a sexy context; without being turned on, stimulation of the clitoris will just feel weird or even painful. That said...

So when in doubt, add clitoral stimulation, whether it’s with your hand, your partner’s hand, a vibrator, your pubic bones pressing together, whatever.

It can take anywhere from a few minutes to most of an hour to have an orgasm (20 minutes is typical, longer is totally normal). Orgasms are like childbirth: they take as long as they take, and each one is different.

Or generally they’re in a physical environment where, instead of being able to go all mushy-brained and just celebrate the sensations in their bodies, they’re distracted by thoughts like, “What if this is taking too long?” or “What if my partner is bored?” or “What if I’m not even doing this right?” or any of the million other ways that they might be self-monitoring instead of paying attention to pleasure and allowing that pleasure to grow. This also includes potential unwanted consequences that come with a partner, such as risk of STI transmission or unwanted pregnancy.

Healing from trauma takes patience, self-compassion, and opportunities to experience sexual pleasure in contexts where you feel safe inside your own body. Start on your own, figuring out what you want and what your body needs. Once you learn to feel pleasure while you feel safe in your body, you can then add a partner if you like.

Answer: because we’ve been taught that only women with “flawless” bodies are allowed to enjoy sex, and if we make faces or have fat on our bodies or otherwise “fall short,” then enjoying sex is against the rules. This is bullshit. It takes time and practice to replace those self-critical thoughts with affection for your body, but the benefits extend far beyond having more and better orgasms. (Here's how to start to love your body, even when it's hard.)

It’s like skipping. Once you learn how, your body never forgets. And everybody deserves a life so full of joy that they can do it when they want to.