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These 4 Questions Tell You Everything About The Health Of Your Relationship

Jason Wachob
Author:
September 14, 2024
Jason Wachob
mbg Founder & Co-CEO
By Jason Wachob
mbg Founder & Co-CEO
Jason Wachob is the Founder and Co-CEO of mindbodygreen and the author of Wellth.
The Gottmans Podcast Headshot
Image by The Gottman Institute x mbg creative
September 14, 2024
We carefully vet all products and services featured on mindbodygreen using our commerce guidelines. Our selections are never influenced by the commissions earned from our links.

Look, there's no such thing as a perfect relationship. There isn't one single recipe for love—but there are common "ingredients" experts have seen in long, thriving partnerships.

Psychologists John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Gottman, Ph.D., leading relationship experts, founders of the Gottman Institute, and authors of Fight Right, have spent years identifying the secrets of successful couples. 

And according to the husband-wife duo, a few questions can help you determine whether your partner is long-term material. Ahead, find their top green flags: 

1.

Do they take responsibility? 

Says Julie, it's crucial that the other person takes responsibility for their part in mishaps. Whether it's a big blowout fight or a little tiff, it's important that they don't automatically push off the blame to another person.

"Sometimes I'll have people ask a potential partner, 'So how come your last relationship ended?' If they blame it all on the other person, the ex, watch out," she shares. That's a big red flag.

John agrees, declaring that the inability to take responsibility is the cause of many failed relationships he's seen. "Every one of the therapies that have failed with me happen when one person refuses to take responsibility for the problems in the relationship and blames it all on the other person," he adds. 

2.

Are they reliable? 

Next, we have reliability. Julie poses, "Does this person do what they say they're going to do? Did they call you when they said they would? If you're living together, did they call you to let you know they're going to be late for dinner? Do they actually respond to your texts?" 

Reliability leads to trust, which is the most important factor in a healthy relationship. With trust, you have a sense that your partner doesn't only think of themselves—they think about your benefit and well-being as much as their own. 

"We found all the arguments that newlyweds had in our lab were about trust," John shares. "Can I rely on you? Can I trust you? Are you going to be there for me?" When you don't have that sense of trust, the relationship can quickly start to crumble. 

3.

Do they listen to you? 

Is your partner there for you when you try to confide in them about something? It's important that they not just hear you but really internalize what you have to say.

"If you've had a stressful day, does that person really listen and empathize with you? Or do they almost immediately change the subject? You know, 'Oh, you think you had a terrible day? Let me tell you about my day. My day was so much worse,'" Julie explains. Listening is a sign of caring and respect, and constantly deflecting could be a major red flag. 

4.

How do they fight? 

Having a successful relationship doesn't mean you won't fight. In fact, conflict is actually a vital part of any healthy partnership. "When the friendship, intimacy, and conflict have deteriorated in a relationship, a couple is really at a place where they're almost on different planets," says John. 

Conflict is normal and healthy! It's how you fight that matters. Does this person try to brush off conflict entirely (an "avoidant" style, the Gottmans call it)? Do they become very emotionally explosive (or "volatile")? Or do they listen to you calmly then present their position with rationality (a positive "validating" style)? 

To be clear, it's OK if your partner has an avoidant or volatile fighting style. "All three styles are fine, as long as the ratio of positive to negative interaction in the conflict discussion is at least five times [more] positive than negative," says John.

Still, it's important to understand each of your styles, as "the problems arise when there's a mismatch between partners," John adds. 

The takeaway 

Every relationship is different, but a few common ingredients are essential: reliability, respect, responsibility, and healthy conflict. So if you've answered yes to the Gottmans' first three questions and have a positive conflict ratio, you likely have a healthy relationship on your hands. Consider them green flags.

We hope you enjoy this episode! And don't forget to subscribe to our podcast on iTunes, Google Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube!

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