5 Questions That Will Transform Your Life, From A Psychologist

The performance review. The peer review. The relationship check-in. We are no strangers to reviews in our work and, sometimes, love lives. But how about extending that to yourself?

The truth is, life will always throw us curveballs, neutral and even boring moments, and plenty of great episodes. It is during these times that we change.

Those of us who consciously seek to grow through such times, and have clear directions on how we'd like to harness what's happened to us, tend to make meaning and grow. But if left unexamined, we tend to calcify into smaller versions of ourselves—where our bad habits and mindsets that no longer serve us become more deeply ingrained. 

In my book This Is What Matters, I write about a review you can do for your own life, as you reflect on your journey thus far. Whether you do it at the end of the year, or the beginning of the year, or anytime really doesn't matter. The point is to carve out 10 minutes and do it. 

Do you like your personality—the facets of you that make up who you are? You may have heard of the Enneagram or MBTI, or you can think in terms of The Big Five, which is the most researched-backed personality test in psychology. The Big Five looks at how open (vs. closed), conscientious (vs. lazy), extroverted (vs. introverted), agreeable (vs. disagreeable), and neurotic (vs. emotionally stable) you are.

To be human is to have downs in our lives and bouts of bad luck. With that comes the inevitable baggage of trauma and mental health struggles. How easy is it for you to acknowledge these chapters in your life story?

As well, can you see these episodes as part of life or momentary periods of bad fortune rather than ascribe permanence to them and crane your neck out for the next bad thing that will happen? 

Are you able to acknowledge the role you've played in creating the positive outcomes in your life instead of merely attributing it to luck?

There is a Diana Ross song that plays in my head whenever I take stock of my life. It goes, "Do you know where you're going to, do you like the things that life's been showing you, what are you looking for?"

The science is clear that self-love and self-compassion benefit us. But the truth is, not everyone buys into that. Some people feel that self-love sounds needlessly pompous and narcissistic; others fear compassion makes them lose their keen, sharp, ambitious edge.

But whether or not you want to practice self-love and/or self-compassion, everyone benefits from having an overview of what they are willing to accept about their lives and themselves. This is also an exercise in gratitude and, more importantly, an exercise in courage. 

Looking deep within can be scary; the epiphanies can feel overwhelming when you're confronted with them, and it feels like there's nowhere to hide.