14 Big Questions To Ask Before Getting Married, From Marriage Therapists

We reached out to licensed marriage therapists Beverley Andre, LMFT; Kiaundra Jackson, LMFT; and Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT; for their thoughts on what couples should talk about before getting married. Here are some of the most important, eye-opening questions to ask before marriage:

It's imperative to get on the same page about kids before getting married, Andre says. "Starting a family is not everyone's plan once they get married," she explains. "Having children is a life-changing choice. Not having this conversation prior to marriage can lead to disastrous outcomes for the relationship."

Consider questions like:

Consider whether you expect to participate in daily prayer, weekly services, or religious holidays together, as well as how you might interact with religious family members and whether you intend to raise your kids to be religious too. This is particularly important if you've got different religions or differing levels of engagement with religion.

Consider questions like:

You'll want to understand how you'll share the housework, child care, and mental load.

Consider questions like:

This can sometimes be a scary question to ask, especially if you didn't discuss a relationship timeline together prior to getting engaged. Are there any reasons it would make sense to wait a while longer before getting married? For example, maybe you haven't been together that long, or maybe you have some issues you're still working through, or maybe it'll be hard to think about wedding planning for the next year because of your jobs. Remember, if you both know you're going to spend forever together anyway, what's the rush?

Consider questions like:

"People have what is known as meta emotions. Meta-emotion is the way we feel about feelings," she explains. "Many couples have a meta-emotion mismatch. This means that one person feels and thinks emotions are good, healthy, and important to talk about while the other person believes that they are unhelpful and shouldn't be discussed. The first person might like to explore and process while the other person is more likely to jump to solutions. When you find out how our spouse likes to be responded to in terms of their emotions, it can make a huge difference."

"Just asking this question brings to light the reality that you will change your mind about things and that this is normal," Earnshaw says. "Normalizing change is a good thing and results in transparent and honest communication down the road."

Consider questions like:

(Here's how often married couples have sex, in case you're curious.)

Sometimes there's an unfinished conversation or lingering worry that you just never find the right moment to bring up. By setting aside a dedicated time to ask about these worries directly, you allow each other to air out all your thoughts and feelings without feeling guilty about dredging up the past. It's important that you feel totally secure in the relationship and that you've addressed all issues head-on before getting married.

"I always say that marriage is about two people getting really good at forgiving one another. This question is important because if your partner tends to be a forgiving person in other areas of his/her life, then it will be easier for them to forgive you when you do something wrong," Jackson says. "It is great to know that your partner is actively forgiving and not holding on to grudges that could negatively affect your marriage at any given time."

"This question is powerful and will require them to do an internal reflection," Jackson says. "Hopefully, your spouse-to-be is able to speak to their positive qualities, core values, and personal characteristics that will continue to win you over even when life gets hard."