A Psychotherapist & Mom On How To Keep Your Cool With Your Kids

I have three children ages 5 and under. I'll let you peer into an average night. My infant has one of those erupting poops in her diaper that gets all over my dress. As I am undressing to change into clean clothes, my 2-year-old asks me, "Why do your boobs look like that?" In my head I am thinking: Oh, nipples that resemble pancetta are not familiar to you!? Simultaneously, my 5-year-old is practicing her opera singing while asking me for the fourth snack of the hour. My eyes start to widen, and I want to do what the shit did to the diaper: explode! 

There are so many moments as caregivers when we need a release valve—moments when our own emotions feel too big and the situation demands more than our capacity for patience and grace.

Most parenting advice in these situations sets us up to fail. If our nervous systems are dysregulated, we cannot implement an effective parenting strategy. The best advice cannot be put into play if we are not within the "window of tolerance," otherwise known as the emotional zone we must be in to access our tool kit of wisdom.

So, how do we show up regulated in these blood boiling/"this is too much"/"I want to scream" moments?

When we behave in ways we aren't proud of, we typically blame ourselves instead of getting curious about what the conditions are that create an environment for our negative qualities to express themselves.

The American Psychological Association's research showed that in 2022, 27% of Americans reported "on most days being so stressed that they cannot function."

Living in a world with racial injustice, a climate in peril, innocent children dying is meant to make it difficult to function. Additionally, we live in an individualistic culture that doesn't put forth the tenets or resources that would allow children to be raised by not just their parents but a community of committed and loving adults.

We are not going to be able to access grounding techniques in the "I am on fire" moments if we are not practicing them in the neutral/serene ones. When you are not feeling activated, identify two or three practices that leave you feeling a sense of peace or "in yourself."

Get curious on why you react to your children the way you do. If your inclination is to yell, I wonder if you were yelled at?

If it is to run away, were you left alone with big emotions? Did your caregivers expect you to be able to regulate or be "fine" on your own, without teaching you how?

After these experiences, you may have unconsciously stayed in a state of fight/flight/freeze that you are now passing down to your children. This may be an indicator that there are parts of your own history that need your attention before you can support your little one.

If there is an automatic behavior that continues to come up, no matter how many intentions you make to stop it, this means that it needs more care in order to heal. What we do not heal in ourselves we unconsciously pass to our children.

This is a simple but powerful intervention. In the fire moments, it can be helpful to commit to silence and even separate yourself physically. I find that I do more harm speaking in tough situations than I do if I take some time not to respond to the ninth request or even to pick up my baby when she is crying.

In Western culture we often have unrealistic expectations for our children. We believe their behavior is meant to push our buttons or create chaos in our lives.

In one of my favorite parenting books, Hunt Gather Parent, author Michaeleen Doucleff, Ph.D., states, "What if we think of (children) as illogical, newbie citizens trying to figure out the proper behavior? What if we assume their motivations are kind and good, and it's just that their execution needs some improvement?"

Trauma educator and mother Amy Bauman once said to me, "Discomfort feels like the impulse to act out followed by a deep kind of lonely despair. I am constantly practicing not acting from that place. Not satisfying in the short term but less shame when I replay the movie."