A Clinical Psychologist On How To Claim Every Part Of Yourself — Even The Messy Ones

Are you leaving parts of your "self" behind? Have you ever caught yourself saying things like, "I never...I always...I can't..."? 

For over 20 years, I've been working with people in my private psychology practice. And I've seen so many of them respond positively to a term I created and trademarked called "self-ownership." 

Self-ownership is the foundation that holds on to and integrates your experiences in the continuing growth and evolution of you. Disruptive self-ownership is a process that helps you break down the walls of disconnection inside of yourself and frees you to experience and claim your wholeness.

It helps you dispel outdated beliefs about yourself, break through what's holding you back, and claim the control, confidence, and presence that's yours.  

Picture this: I was leading a workshop for a group of professional, successful women. I paired them up and instructed them to say something positive about their partner. Within seconds, the room was filled with lively voices and laughter.  

However, in the second part of the exercise, each woman was supposed to say something positive about themselves to their partner. What happened? Dead silence.  

The contrast between the ease of sharing about their partner versus saying something positive about themselves was dramatic.

I finally broke the silence and explained why this part of the exercise proved so difficult for a room full of competent, accomplished women: We tend to overvalue our deficiencies and undervalue our accomplishments.  

We then returned to the exercise. Slowly and with obvious discomfort, the women began to share one positive thing about themselves.  

Although "I've left that part of myself behind" is a common saying, from my expertise, it's not possible to erase a part of your life—as much as you might wish you could. 

All of your experiences are part of you and take up space inside of you. What you believe was "left behind" is still there and keeping it "out of mind" requires energy. This energy could be used in more constructive and positive ways. 

The second step is to identify a part of yourself that you have "left behind," abandoned, or disowned. You can't change what is out of your awareness. There are likely old, painful, or uncomfortable beliefs that you associate with that part of yourself. Identifying them can help you move forward.  

Ask yourself: "How did I come to have this belief? Did someone make hurtful comments to me? Was I shamed? Really, how bad is that part of myself?"

Write them down several times! I'd recommend keeping a list in your wallet or purse. Or, put one on your mirror, on the fridge, or on your door. When your confidence is feeling shaky, take it out and read it to steady and reconnect with yourself.

Julia's three were "I am kind and a good friend"; "People can count on me"; and "I am a contributing team member at work."