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Relationship Research Says Don't Limit Yourself To Just The 5 Love Languages
Do you know your love language? From quality time to physical touch, the idea of the five love languages has pervaded pop culture in recent years, showing up in dating app prompts, memes, and of course, among couples.
But are the five love languages actually accurate? According to research published in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science1, we all might want to take the concept with a grain of salt.
Research critiques the 5 love languages
For this study, researchers wanted to review the existing data on the five love languages to find out whether the theory actually holds up. (The "theory" being that there are five love languages or ways in which people prefer to give/receive love, everyone has a primary love language, and "speaking" the same love language is beneficial for relationships.)
If you need a refresher, the five love languages are:
And based on the actual research, the study authors say, the theory faces some criticism. Namely, there are more than just five ways to express and receive love.
As study co-author Emily Impett, Ph.D., explains in a news release, "There are certain things that are left out, such as affirming a partner's personal goals outside of the relationship, which might be significant to couples with more egalitarian values."
Further, there was no scientific evidence to support the idea that having a partner who has the same love language as you (or learns to "speak" it) will have greater relationship success.
"None of the 10 studies supported Chapman's claims. There's no support for this matching effect, [and] people are basically happier in relationships when they receive any of these expressions of love," Impett says.
Finally, it's important to note that the five love languages were developed over 30 years ago by author and family counselor Gary Chapman, Ph.D., by working with a sample of white, religious, heteronormative couples. As such, the study authors add, Chapman's conclusions may not hold up to the general population today.
So, what's the alternative?
The findings of this research aren't to say the five love languages have been "debunked" but rather that we can widen our lens even more to include a number of different expressions for love.
And further, love is an ever-evolving thing. One day you might really need a hug (physical touch), while the next day when you're stressed out, you're especially grateful to your partner for doing extra chores.
As Impett explains, relationships can be thought of as a balanced diet that requires a number of different nutrients, which include the five love languages but other things as well, such as emotional support, shared vision, or companionship.
This approach, Impett adds, "Keeps all expressions of love on the menu and invites partners to share what they need at different times, [allowing] for the fact that people and relationships aren't static and can't be categorized into neat boxes."
The takeaway
If we could sum up these findings, we'd simply say: Why choose one love language when you can enjoy them all? As your relationship changes and your love evolves, each and every day, there's always a fitting way to give and/or receive love, and it doesn't have to be limited to five options.
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