How To Spot Narcissistic Abuse: 15 Behaviors & Warning Signs

Here, licensed psychotherapists Carrie Mead, LCPC, and Kimberly Perlin, LCSW-C, explain the telltale signs of narcissistic abuse, how narcissistic abuse syndrome is diagnosed, and offer tips to heal from a toxic relationship with a narcissist.

"There can be physical abuse, controlling one's money, free time, friendships, and opinions. The non-abusive partner is often called names, their motives are questioned, and they are told how to feel," Perlin adds. The abusive partner may justify these actions by claiming to be well intentioned. 

The fact is that narcissism is hard to diagnose. There are no medical tests that identify it, so psychologists consider an amalgam of signs and symptoms that alone might be perfectly healthy traits. Therapists use a chart of the most common behaviors associated with narcissistic personality disorder to see if a person is displaying an abnormal sense of grandiosity, perfectionism, or self-loathing associated with the condition.

"Recovering from toxic or narcissistic relationships takes time," she says. "You feel fragile, unsure of yourself, and unable to trust. These are all signs that you are in recovery from an abusive relationship." With time and help from a professional psychotherapist, you can heal.

Keep an eye out for these early warning signs:

People who exhibit the traits of narcissistic personality disorder are prone to display controlling behaviors. At first, it may seem like they just want to control their partner's time and attention, but they will increasingly demand more. They may insist that their likes are adhered to, and they may even try to get their significant other to exclusively take part in activities that are pleasing to or benefit the narcissist. While some controlling behaviors are subtle, all are persistent. Expect that a narcissistic person will lie, cheat, or withhold information to get their way repeatedly. For narcissists, control is equivalent to power.

Narcissistic abusers are self-aggrandizing and self-centered. They manipulate others into giving them an excessive amount of attention by displaying a variety of antics that range from entertaining to violent. Sometimes, displays of violence make others awe-struck. Other times, they intimidate. Either way, narcissists want to be held up on a pedestal, and they don't care who they have to step on to get there. They are also known to have unpredictable mood swings that ensure that their victim is hyper-attuned to the narcissist's feelings and expends a great deal of energy trying to anticipate their whims and wants.

Narcissists will try to make other people feel like their own judgment or memory is unreliable, which helps the narcissist's narrative of the truth prevail. Once in control of the narrative, they believe they can control outcomes to their own benefit.

Victims report feeling disoriented about social norms after having been disconnected for so long. After becoming accustomed to controlling behaviors, a victim may not know how to behave "appropriately" around others. This might look like being standoffish in social settings or avoiding those who the narcissist may deem threatening. A lack of grounding relationships outside of the abuser results in the victim's social isolation.

Mistrust of others is a natural progression from social isolation. Narcissists often lie or manipulate fragile situations to ensure that they are their victim's most trusted source of information. Therefore, victims often rely upon their abusers to confirm the "truth" or to verify when conditions are "safe." Narcissists may actively sow seeds of distrust in the victim's mind around previously trusted loved ones, as well as authority figures or professional experts whose advice contradicts the thoughts or ideas of the narcissist.

While sometimes isolation is imposed physically, such as by moving away from a person's home city or state, many victims also report technological restrictions, like GPS trackers, social media blocking, or stealing passcodes. These invasions of digital privacy can be just as intrusive and damaging as physical isolation. Abusers may go so far as to create a fake profile to interact with their victim online to test their victim's loyalty. They may even threaten to share intimate images or secrets on social media networks. Invasions of digital privacy are among the many controlling behaviors meant to ensure the victim's full dependence and compliance.

In its most egregious form, verbal snipes become emotional abuse. Name-calling, blaming, and judging can give way to threats, yelling, and the silent treatment. And while verbal abuse may not involve physically touching a person, these interactions can still be violent. Narcissists' superiority complex also helps them justify bullying and harassment.

While narcissistic abuse tends to focus on emotional manipulation, these abusers may still break things, hurt others (or threaten to do so), or inflict self-harm to punish or instill fear in a partner. Remember, narcissists want attention. When manipulation is no longer working, they may grow more aggressive and coercive. Their delusions of grandeur commingle with arrogance, and their inability to self-regulate can lead to violent outbursts, threats, and scary episodes.

Hoovering is a form of emotional blackmail that's common among narcissistic abusers. This technique is coined after the vacuum company because it sucks a person back into another cycle of abuse. When an abuser feels that they are starting to lose control, they may go through a cycle of trying to make things better. This could look like finally validating the victim's feelings or easing prior restrictions on social behaviors and interactions. But this refractory period tends to be rather brief. As soon as the abuser regains the victim's trust, they recommence the cycle of social isolation and control.

Victims of narcissistic abuse report the inability to make independent choices or decisions, particularly anything that involves physical separation. Codependency and physical togetherness are part and parcel of the abovementioned control techniques. Narcissists thrive on tipping the scales in their favor, so they may overstep normal boundaries to ensure that they are always one step ahead. Victims report that abusers read their journals, diaries, or private emails. Other basic boundaries like being able to use the restroom alone or making decisions about one's own body (i.e., diet, exercise, clothing, etc.) are commonly violated. 

Narcissistic abusers enjoy when others display fear and anxiety that could be used to get what they want. Victims may be visibly afraid of the abuser but also psychologically anxious about how to predict or improve the abuser's reactions. This can look like indecision on the part of the abused, who may be paralyzed by fear of making the wrong move or anxious about overstepping boundaries set by the narcissist. Or it could turn the victim into their partner's gofer, who always tries to meet the abuser's needs before an outburst begins. Abuse may be most visible when the victim does menial and degrading tasks either to minimize their partner's negative reactions or to try to avoid them altogether.

Researchers say that some narcissism comes from guilt or shame from childhood experiences. Even in adulthood, those nuggets of self-doubt might be buried but not forgotten. Thus, to get that validation, many adult abusers people-please or strategically over-accommodate people they think will help them get ahead. Abusers may volunteer for activities or situations simply to impress others, even when these situations are difficult or counterproductive.

Partners of narcissists may say things, like "I don't want to say the wrong thing. You should really ask him/her what is best. I'm afraid I'll say or do something that s/he won't like. It is best that I stay out of this." All of these statements show a power dynamic tipped toward the side of the abuser. 

These are common cover-ups. Victims may be saying this because they truly do believe that their partner is good, but often it is a self-preservation mechanism. To save face, a narcissist may appear to take bad news well publicly, but privately they can take out their anger and insecurities on the victim.

It is common for both victims and abusers to have a history of abuse, whether physical, mental, emotional, or a combination. This shared empathy toward one another's pain might have been one of the things that attracted such partners in the first place. But old patterns die hard, and both parties may find themselves replicating those old situations. A victim in one relationship can be an abuser in another; this is particularly true in cases of abused parents, who might take out their stress on children or teach them behaviors to cope with a dysfunctional or abusive household. Anyone who normalizes manipulation, lying, and controlling others has likely been exposed to abuse before—whether as the victim or the perpetrator.

"In therapy, we also explore why and how you got into this relationship. Often this involves exploring unhealed childhood wounds and lifelong people-pleasing behavior," Mead explains. "When trust in self and trust in others returns, healing begins to take place."

Talking through what happened in one toxic relationship tends to uncover many more lurking in the shadows. Some might be familial, making them much harder to walk away from permanently, and deep-seated in trauma or abuse. In those cases, holistic mental health therapy can help you heal from those traumas and set healthy new boundaries for the future. Seeking professional help is imperative to breaking patterns of physical and psychological abuse.