A marriage is a long-lasting, committed partnership between two people, but that doesn't mean that married people can never feel lonely. That's because there's a big difference between being alone and being lonely, says Kiaundra Jackson, LMFT, a licensed marriage therapist and author of Hard Work or Harmony. Being alone simply means you are in a physical state of not being around or attached to anyone else, whereas being lonely has more to do with how much your relationships nourish you and how full your life feels.

"Loneliness is a deeper thing because it's more of a psychological state where people feel like their relationships, the quantity of their relationships, the quality of their relationships, are not where they need to be," Jackson explains. "You can be lonely and not be alone. You can literally be surrounded by a whole bunch of people and still feel like you're lonely."

In the context of a marriage, if your marriage isn't fulfilling your need for companionship, love, affection, or other social needs, you may very well feel lonely despite technically having a life partner.

When partners aren't emotionally connecting with each other, Andre says it can feel like there's a distance between them—which can feel very lonely for one or both people. She notes that this usually happens after there has been some sort of shift in the relationship: "At a certain point, the couple stopped being in alignment with each other, hence the distance."

"People get lonely in marriage when they go through the mundane waves of life," Jackson says. "They go to work, they come home, they go to school, they take care of the kids, they cook dinner, and they just go through the regular day-to-day motions, and there isn't any specific time to connect with their spouse."

Sometimes couples struggle to separate the role of being parents and the role of being spouses, focusing entirely on their parental responsibilities and neglecting their relationship. "Our role as a parent is very important, but you also have to give time and energy into your marriage," Jackson says. "And when you don't? You can feel lonely."

In a 2020 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology on almost 1,400 heterosexual married couples in their 50s through their 70s, the researchers noted that married couples are dealing with increased enmeshment, wherein their lives are unhealthily intertwined. When couples exclusively rely on each other as their primary social connection, it can put a strain on the relationship—and leave the individual people susceptible to loneliness when the relationship inevitably goes through phases of disconnection.

It's easy to fall into the trap of making your spouse wholly responsible for your sense of fulfillment and validation, Jackson says. But people need to be able to feel full and complete on their own as individuals, whether they're in a long-term relationship or not. In other words, your marriage cannot be the only thing that keeps you from feeling lonely.

"You shouldn't be seeking full validation from your partner when you're married," Jackson says. "You can't look for another person, whether that is your spouse, to fulfill you 110%. You have to be happy with you. You have to give your own self joy. You have to have your own career goals. You have to have your own passions."

Both Andre and Jackson emphasize the importance of telling your partner how you're feeling. The Journal of Family Psychology study found that, in a heterosexual marriage, husbands' and wives' levels of loneliness weren't correlated—meaning it's fully possible that your spouse has no idea how lonely you are.

"People often think that their partners are mindreaders, and their partner is not a mindreader," Jackson says. "You might be feeling lonely or alone in your marriage, but your partner might not be feeling that way."

Andre says that often when people start to notice they're feeling lonely in their marriage, it's because there's been a recent shift in the relationship that's thrown the partners out of sync and created that feeling of distance. If you can pinpoint what caused the shift, you'll know what to focus on as a couple to heal the divide.

The five love languages are words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service, and gifts. Each person has one primary love language that's their preferred way of receiving love. Jackson recommends couples who are trying to feel more emotionally connected with one another learn each other's love languages and start more actively giving that form of affection.

If you and your partner are struggling to work on this issue or simply don't know where to start, both Andre and Jackson say working with a couples' counselor or therapist can be a helpful way to get on the right track.

Loneliness in a relationship doesn't mean the relationship is over, nor does it necessarily mean you don't love each other anymore. That said, once you bring up your feelings to your partner, pay attention to whether they really step up to help you feel secure and loved in the relationship again. Additionally, notice if you feel yourself lacking the motivation to work on the relationship, Andre advises.

It's important for couples to not depend solely on each other for their sense of fulfillment and aliveness, Jackson points out. If you're feeling lonely, it may not be because there's anything wrong with the relationship itself or with your partner—instead, it could simply be a sign that you are missing the strong friendships, community, and contentedness in yourself that are necessary for any person to feel whole.

It's actually common to be married but lonely, but that doesn't mean it's something you should expect or accept in a marriage. Often loneliness in a marriage stems from a lack of connection, a lack of effort in the relationship, or a lack of individuation—or some combination of these factors.