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How To Talk About Money & Finances With Your Partner, According To Experts
Conversations about money aren't exactly "pillow talk," but they are as necessary for couples as whispering sweet nothings to one another. For sure, talking about money can be uncomfortable. No two people are money twins. The challenge can be even greater for couples still getting to know one another. But the sooner you get the money stuff worked out in your relationship, the better.
Here's how to talk about money to your honey.
Why you need to talk about money with your partner
The stats may give you courage. In a Divorce.com study, 36% of participants said money issues and debt were the cause of their divorce. A recent survey for fintech company Chime found that finances can make or break a relationship: 77% of those polled said financial irresponsibility was unattractive and 22% ended relationships over poor financial management.
"Effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, and finances are no exception. Honest communication about money matters is important," says Deborah Gilman, Ph.D., psychologist, and owner of Fox Chapel Psychological Services.
"Money has the potential to create power imbalances within relationships. Whether it's the individual who earns more feeling a sense of authority or the one who earns less experiencing a loss of agency, the power dynamics associated with financial disparities can strain relationships. Power imbalances must be addressed to maintain a healthy and equitable relationship," she adds.
Avoiding financial discussions can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and increased stress, says Gilman.
How to start the conversation
So, how to you get to the nitty-gritty gracefully, and when is it appropriate to start talking money? Here's the intel:
Start early
It's not the first few dates, but don't wait too long. In the Chime survey, couples started having such conversations 6½ to 8 months into the relationship. Trust your gut. If the relationship has progressed from casual to serious at four months, go for it.
Ask the right questions
"Here's how you can bring it up. Ask, how do you manage your monthly expenses? Do you prefer apps, or are you old-school and keep a ledger? This way, it's more casual early on. Notice how they respond to this question. Have this talk in person so you can read their body language. If you are using a money app, show it to them. It's less invasive that way," says Asha Tarry, a psychotherapist and CEO of Behavioral Health Consulting Services.
Jamie Bosse, a wealth manager at Aspyre Wealth Partners and author of Money Boss Mom, shares two others to put on your list, "What is something you are proud of financially? What is something you regret?"
Start with the right prompt
April Davis, founder of Luma Luxury Matchmaking, suggests saying, "The number one reason couples fight is money. I want to tell you about where I stand financially and how I think about my money, and I'd really like to hear those things from you too."
4.Choose the right time and location
Choose the right time and location
Talk when you both are relaxed, maybe over dinner or on a chill Saturday afternoon.
"Talk about childhood experiences with money. Share what you learned or didn't learn. Think about how certain experiences may have impacted the way you and/or your partner currently handle money," says Danielle Davis, founder of Money in Matrimony, an online community helping couples build financial intimacy and generational wealth.
Rehash the past
Try Davis' questions. "What was your parents' relationship with money? What did they teach you about money? Did your parents ever argue about money? How do you feel about spending money, saving money, and giving money away?
"As a child, did you feel that you had more, less, or about the same as other children your age? What is your biggest financial fear?"
Keep the momentum going
Talking about money isn't a one-and-done conversation. Breaking the ice is just the beginning. "Talk about money often—at least once a month, if not once per week. Set aside time to discuss your financial priorities and where you are at. Set aside time to do it, or it won't happen," says Bosse.
Davis has a plan for couples she outlines:
- Create shared goals. "Discuss the dreams and vision you both want for your marriage and your finances. Then create a written plan which details how you will reach them."
- Establish boundaries. Decide how to handle financial requests from family and friends. Determine what is off-limits. Agree to disagree sometimes and make large financial decisions as a team.
- Set realistic expectations. Create a nonrestrictive spending plan that works for you two. Be honest about any nonnegotiables that you want to keep in the spending plan.
- Schedule money dates. Meet at least one or two times each month. Discuss spending, upcoming expenses, unexpected expenses, etc. Money dates help reduce unnecessary spending, create deeper levels of financial intimacy, and position you to reach your goals faster.
- Show gratitude. Write notes to your partner when you've noticed that he/she has done well with money. Forgive each other for any financial mistakes. Celebrate financial milestones.
The takeaway
Talking about money is a cornerstone of a solid conversation. But with these insights from the pros, it will make the conversation so much easier. Just be sure to start the conversation with an open mind and to keep the conversation going as the relationship progresses.
