How To Succeed Without Falling Into Perfectionism: 3 Tips From A Psychologist

Many driven, intelligent people who want to "live their best life" are very interested in self-improvement. Their drive for excellence has a lot of positive aspects, but this healthy drive can also go into overdrive—making them vulnerable to perfectionism. Getting stuck in perfectionism can be demotivating and, ironically, become a barrier to creating the life they actually want.

Recognize the difference between self-discipline and self-flagellation: Self-discipline is when you are truthful with yourself about areas for improvement, but you take a balanced, measured approach when evaluating them. Self-flagellation, on the other hand, is beating yourself up endlessly to the point where your self-talk becomes overly critical—the focus becomes more on how "bad" you are than on how you can actually improve.

It's the difference between I skipped the gym today, I'm such a lazy failure and I skipped the gym today because I was short on sleep—it's normal to have a hard time building a new gym habit, but I've done hard things before. 

We actually master skills better by focusing on how we can make small improvements in the present moment versus constantly comparing ourselves to a paradigm of perfection. Yes, it's good to be clear-eyed about areas for improvement, but we'll have more success if we keep our focus on how to improve rather than just getting stuck on the awareness of imperfections. 

A simple way to stay focused on progress vs. perfection is to notice when you feel stuck in desiring improvement, then ask yourself: How can I make progress toward my goal?

Make sure you understand the root of your goals. Sometimes a desire to perfect certain areas of life can seem like it's coming from a good place but actually be a cover for deeper issues.

For example, if your quest to faithfully adhere to a gym schedule comes from a sincere desire to nurture your physical and mental well-being (often called intuitive exercise), that's great. But if it connects to a deeper belief that you won't be lovable until your body reaches a certain point of "perfection," then you deserve support to take a deeper look at what's driving you.

An easy way to check this is to add "so that" after your goal. (You may need to do this a few times to get to the root of your motivation.) For example, "I want to go to the gym regularly so that..." If you fill in the last blank with "...so that I can stay mobile and active throughout my life," that's a healthy motivation. If you fill it in with "...so that I can be the thinnest person at the office," that's not constructive. 

Remember, there's nothing wrong with a drive for excellence—the trick is to make sure you're using it to your benefit rather than letting it hold you back. One final tip: When you find yourself aware of mistakes, even perhaps mistakes as you try to apply the tips above, start by congratulating yourself for the awareness of the mistake. This highlights the strength and insight shown by your willingness to acknowledge the issue and encourages you to consider it openly and constructively—which is actually the first step toward any self-improvement goals.