11 Steps To Stop Being Jealous In Relationships (For Real)

Have you ever been jealous in a relationship or friendship and wished the feeling would just…go away? You get suspicious every time your partner’s phone lights up, or your coworker’s recent promotion makes you a little envious, even though you’re genuinely happy for them.

Jealousy is a complicated feeling that doesn’t necessarily feel great in the moment—but chances are, there’s a reason you’re experiencing it. Identifying the root cause can help you understand yourself better and, eventually, learn how to stop being jealous of the people in your life.

“Jealousy is when someone experiences feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and fear in response to a perceived threat,” Becca Smith, LPC, a licensed professional counselor and chief clinical officer at the mental health treatment center BasePoint Academy, tells mbg. “It can be triggered by someone else's success, accomplishments, possessions, or relationships.” 

Because we’ve been evolutionarily trained to protect our relationships, jealousy often feels personal and primal, often causing anxiety, lack of trust, anger, and physical reactions like a heightened fight-or-flight response. 

But although jealousy is often painted as a “negative” thing, it is a perfectly normal human emotion that isn’t inherently bad—just like sadness, anger, or any other uncomfortable feeling. Jealousy can even be healthy in some cases by indicating that something important needs to be communicated in your relationship, or that you have unmet emotional needs that could use some attention. 

Some people may be more prone to jealousy than others, according to licensed mental health counselor Nicole Ellen, LCMHC. “Psychological factors that may lead to jealous reactions may include low self-esteem, anxiety, moodiness, depression, possessiveness, fear of abandonment, codependency, and anxious attachment style,” she says. If you’re sensitive to betrayal, rejection, or deal with trust issues, jealousy may become amplified as well. 

According to a 2022 study1 in Frontiers in Psychology, both personality and attachment styles are important predictors of jealousy. High neuroticism, for instance—one of the Big Five personality traits—is consistently linked to higher jealousy, and anxious attachment—which can involve insecurity, feelings of inadequacy, and fear of abandonment—can also contribute. 

Licensed counselor Greg Cheney, Ph.D., says that past life experiences matter, too. “Those who have experienced significant relationships as untrustworthy and unreliable may feel insecure in their relationships,” he explains. For example, research shows1 that people who have experienced sexual infidelity from a current or past partner report higher levels of jealousy. 

Jealousy is often discussed in the context of romance, but you can be jealous of your friends, too. Research shows2 that friendship jealousy is a pretty common experience—and Danielle Bayard Jackson, a friendship coach and relationship expert at Bumble for Friends, says you shouldn’t shame yourself for it.

“Many of us think that feeling jealous makes us a bad friend, or perhaps that we weren’t a real friend at all if we’re having these feelings,” she tells mbg. “However, jealousy is a completely natural feeling to have, and denying or shutting down these feelings can preclude us from using the situation to grow for the better.”

Bayard Jackson also calls out the important difference between jealousy and envy. “All too often, these words are used interchangeably,” she says. “If you’re envious of your friend, you may find yourself wishing that you had what they have (i.e. they got a new house, announced a recent pregnancy, or were accepted at the school of your dreams). Jealousy, on the other hand, involves some kind of perceived ‘intruder’…you fear that the friendship you have will be threatened, taken away, or jeopardized by another person or situation.” 

In a recent Bumble for Friends survey of U.S. adults, 77% of respondents said that friends are one of the main factors of a happy and healthy life. “If you find that you’re in an insecure or sensitive space in life and it’s making it hard for you to show up for your friends, this can have a direct impact on your overall capacity for happiness,” Bayard Jackson explains

Does your friend no longer have time for you? Are you jealous of their career success or new boyfriend? Consider what’s actually triggering your jealousy—whether it’s the fact that you feel abandoned, envious of something they have that you don’t, or even a little competitive.

Sometimes, jealousy is an indication that you simply miss being close to your friend. “Consider the ways that you can turn jealousy into a positive outcome—for example, if you see your friend spending more time with a new friend, maybe this encourages you to be more attentive or check in with her more,” Bayard Jackson tells mbg.

If your friend did something to hurt you or their behavior is triggering in some way, it may be time for radical honesty. “If you're feeling jealous, it may be helpful to have a conversation with them so they can understand where you're coming from, or you can work together to address any underlying issues,” Smith says.

Having toxic friends is no fun, and not all connections are for the best. If you repeatedly feel drained, discouraged, or hurt by the friendship, consider taking a step back or cutting ties altogether.

According to Smith, having a gratitude practice can also help you stop fixating on jealousy and gain valuable perspective on yourself and your relationships. “When you feel jealous of someone else, take a moment and make a list of all the things that you're grateful for,” she says. “This can help remind you of how much you have going for you and how far you've come.”

From social media-induced jealousy to concerns about cheating, dealing with jealousy in a romantic relationship can feel daunting. Maybe you feel jealous when your partner likes their ex’s photos online or comments on a celebrity’s attractiveness—or maybe your heart races when a stranger flirts with them at the bar.

Tropes like “the jealous girlfriend” run rampant in pop culture, and many people chalk jealousy up to being controlling, insecure, or overly dramatic. But jealousy isn’t just about you being insecure—it’s caused by a variety of factors, including your past. “Maybe you were cheated on before and now you don’t trust that it won’t happen again,” Zabienski says.

In friendships and relationships alike, it’s crucial to unpack why you’re feeling jealous in your relationship. “Once you understand what in your past is contributing to feelings of jealousy, you can identify present-day triggers that activate the feeling,” Hahn tells mbg. “With this awareness, you can utilize mindfulness to manage feelings of jealousy.”

According to Hahn, intense feelings of jealousy can lead to overgeneralized negative assumptions about your partner—for example, “They must be seeing other people” or “Our relationship is doomed”—but that may or may not be the case at all.

“In romantic relationships, jealousy can be a sign of insecurity or lack of trust,” Smith says. “If that's the case, couples can look for ways to build more trust and connection in their relationship.”

Jealousy can be a triggering emotion in the heat of the moment because it makes us feel threatened. Your face gets flushed, your palms are clammy, and you may feel the urge to cry, withdraw, or get angry with your partner. It’s natural to be upset, but Cheney recommends approaching the moment as mindfully as you can.

Relationships are a two-way street, and the responsibility shouldn’t just be on you to manage jealous emotions. That said, experts say building your self-esteem can help give you the confidence you need to advocate for yourself, be more present in your relationship, and potentially feel less jealous over time.

Jealousy is a natural, human emotion that can’t be simply “turned off.” Although it’s impossible to avoid jealousy altogether, accepting your emotions and practicing self-compassion can help you through tough times. “When you recognize that it is okay to feel this way regardless of how painful and uncomfortable it may be, then you release your mind from the emotional pressure and judgment that these emotions can cause,” Ellen tells mbg. “This can take us out of the cycle of shame and guilt.” 

“Remember, everyone struggles with jealousy at some point,” Hahn adds. “Show yourself compassion by acknowledging the struggle…remind yourself that you’re not alone in this and that the emotion is temporary and will pass.” 

Hahn also recommends labeling your thoughts, emotions, and sensations as they arise (i.e., “I feel hurt and angry” or “My body is feeling heat”) instead of suppressing them. “Once we name the different aspects of jealousy, it can work to deactivate the intensity,” Hahn explains.

Jealousy can be tough to deal with, but it doesn’t have to rule your life or ruin your relationships. “A life without jealousy impairing your most important relationships can be realized,” Cheney tells mbg. “It may just take some intentional, courageous steps with someone you trust to complete that journey.” 

If you’ve tried a variety of healing methods but still feel lost, Hahn suggests seeking help from a qualified therapist. “Unremitting jealousy can be a sign of emotional and relational trauma from the past,” she tells mbg. “In therapy, you can work through those old wounds which will free up your mental and emotional energy and make space for healthy relationships.”