5 Reasons You're Attracting Narcissists & How To Stop

Have you found that you keep attracting narcissists? The inability to empathize, an exaggerated sense of self-importance, and an excessive and pathological need for admiration are just a few qualities narcissists possess, according to psychotherapist Dana Dorfman, Ph.D. Those are obviously not traits of a loving and supportive partner. So why do some people attract narcissists over and over again? Here's everything you need to know about why this keeps happening and how to say goodbye to them for good: 

Even if you don't have a narcissistic parent, you may have a toxic family member or narcissistic ex who deeply affected you in a similar way. Whether a good or bad situation, familiarity is comfortable and often invited in.

Empathy is the ability to relate to and feel other people's emotions. While being empathetic is an amazing characteristic to possess, be aware of whose needs and desires you're tuning into. Empaths are drawn to narcissists, and narcissists love taking advantage: "Since narcissists rely on exclusive focus and attention, an empathic person would naturally appeal to them," explains Dorfman. Meanwhile, "the emotionally attuned person is likely to experience gratification or receive positive feedback for their unique emotional accuracy, thus perpetuating the dynamic." 

Everyone struggles with self-esteem issues, but unfortunately, narcissists tend to use their "self-assured" personality to take advantage of it. Certified trauma therapist Támara Hill tells mbg that "women who are struggling with their own self-esteem issues, including a history of abuse, trauma, bullying, or identity issues" tend to attract narcissists. Narcissists can appear as if they are coming to your rescue, ready to lift you up, and they often start a relationship by love-bombing you. In reality, though, narcissists only use your insecurities to inflate their ego and to keep you under their control.

"Fearful of being perceived as 'needy,' an individual may overcompensate by ignoring, not acknowledging, or denying one's own needs," says Dorfman. "As a result, a partner who perceives oneself as selfless, without emotional needs, can focus exclusively on the other." 

While a narcissist will critique you over and over in private, they'll tout your achievements to others any day. "Narcissists view their partners as extensions of themselves—someone who will reflect positively and admirably on them," says Dorfman. "As a result, a narcissist may be attracted to an individual who possesses attributes that they value and that they believe will enhance their image." If you look good to other people, they hope that makes them look good. It ties back to their desire to control you, ensuring that you're always at your best, even if it's to the detriment of your mental well-being.

Narcissists do not understand boundaries and will try to push through yours when possible. "If an individual ignores, repeatedly crosses, or is unresponsive to your efforts to enforce boundaries, strongly reconsider continuing the relationship," says Dorfman. She has seen this include intrusive questioning, disrespect for your time and space, and an inability to adhere to your delineation of boundaries. By setting your strong and uncompromising boundaries, you're telling narcissists to back off. 

And ditch anyone who makes you feel less-than. Narcissists love someone who doesn't believe in themselves or whose insecurities get the best of them, so one of the best ways to stop attracting narcissists is to develop a strong sense of self-worth. Obviously, developing confidence and self-love is a lifelong journey, but once you start reminding yourself of what you deserve—and project that confidence outward—narcissists will see you're not someone easily manipulated and therefore not a good victim for them to prey on.

A person's values speak volumes about who they truly are. "Focus on their values and morals, search for objective facts to support their so-called values, and then tap into your intuition," says Hill. "There's one thing a narcissist cannot fake, and that is empathy. We can intuitively sense, most times, if someone truly connects or not."

If only what you saw was really what you always got. In the case of narcissists, their personalities will fluctuate dramatically depending on the situation they're in. A narcissist's public and private selves are more extreme in presentation—particularly in their treatment of a partner. If an individual is consistently respectful and charming in public, and consistently abusive and demeaning in private, it is likely to be a narcissistic red flag," says Dorfman. While it's easy to brush off red flags, especially when a person comes off so well to others, trust your gut and take action when they appear. A healthy relationship won't feel like something is off—believe yourself that there is.

As you begin to understand the signs of a narcissists and what type of person narcissists are attracted to, it'll begin to become much easier to avoid them over time.