How To Set Healthy Boundaries (And Actually Stick To 'Em)

You've finally revved yourself up enough to tell the person you've been seeing that you want more from them, when they come back and tell you they aren't on the same page. What do you do? Continue seeing them even though you know you want more, or keep looking out for your well-being, gracefully give a kiss on the cheek and say adios?

I was the girl who said one thing and did another. It wasn't only in romantic relationships but also friendships, agreeing to go to dinner or to a party when I really didn't want to, or saying I would ask for a raise and then never doing it. Talking about boundaries is easy, but actually drawing them is off-the-charts hard because it falls on us to do it; it's our responsibility.

A big part of why I wasn't able to stick to my boundaries was because I didn't take what I was saying seriously. I had let myself down time and time again, by going back on my word. I didn't believe anything would be different the next time around. I didn't believe in what I was saying because I didn't believe in who I was. The times when I went back to an ex-boyfriend, or agreed to take on more work than I could handle were times when I didn't like myself. And in a way, breaking a boundary made it easier to continue seeing myself as not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, worthy enough, or anything. Breaking a boundary made it somewhat OK to be down on myself.

How you shift from not being OK with who you are to being OK with who you are is by letting yourself simply be as you are. Maybe you raise your voice at someone out of frustration. Afterward you may say things like, "Why did I just do that?" "What kind of friend am I?" or "I'm so stupid for saying what I did." But instead of judging yourself in that way, what if you simply felt the feeling the action brought up and accept that you feel bad for what you said?

What that means is allowing yourself to experience whatever it is that you are feeling without judging that feeling: to see yourself apart from the emotions so that you can observe without evaluation but with understanding.

After I started to like myself I was able to assert myself, because I knew that what I felt and had to say was important. It wasn't only with saying what I needed to, but it was also with my time. When I would get emails, instead of responding right away, I would wait until I was ready to answer. By doing this, I started setting others' expectations and my own boundaries.

It's more than likely that at some point you will break a boundary, but the key is not to get upset with yourself after the fact. Again, it comes back to being able to see yourself without judgment. If you go back on your word, just recognize that you've done so, and try to understand why you did it. Then after you understand it, let yourself off the hook, and go back to the beginning.