A Therapist & Relationship Expert's Tips To Set Boundaries Without Feeling Selfish

Never before have boundaries become so pertinent. The pandemic has required us all to alter our routines in some form or fashion, and these shifts may make setting boundaries with roommates, family, friends, or partners quite the challenge. 

"When the pandemic happened and boundaries were forced upon us, it was kind of like sink or swim," says licensed therapist and relationship expert Nedra Glover Tawwab, MSW, LCSW, on this episode of the mindbodygreen podcast. "It was very challenging for most of us to figure out what we need and how to start achieving some of the goals we have for ourselves." 

According to Tawwab, people tend to struggle the most with time boundaries. "[Time] is one of the things that we give away in ways that we don't even think about," she explains. Think about all the ways you manage your time, how you allow others to use your time, and how you deal with favor requests. Whenever you say yes to a responsibility or task, you are giving away your precious time. "Even doing little things can be a real big distraction," she adds. "It really disturbs what we're able to do within a day." 

That said, Tawwab suggests being very intentional about your "yeses." Only agree to responsibilities and opportunities that will truly serve you, and don't feel guilty saying no to something that oversteps your own time boundaries. "Successful people understand the value of time," she says. "They understand the importance of having boundaries around saying yes and no." 

Let's be clear: It is your responsibility to speak your boundaries. "One of the biggest things people get wrong is believing that it is everyone else's responsibility to figure out what their boundaries are and to honor those imaginary boundaries," says Tawwab. But how can you expect others to honor your boundaries if they don't even know when they're crossing a line? 

"We think there is this level of common sense that exists in society, [but] people don't know better," Tawwab continues. "We have to teach people how to be in a relationship with us; we have to speak of things that we think are common sense; we still have to communicate those things to people."  

On that note, Tawwab emphasizes that setting boundaries can (and often will) feel uncomfortable. You're having a difficult conversation, and you might even feel guilty placing those boundaries, even if they're healthy and necessary for your overall well-being. 

"We believe that guilt means we are not supposed to set boundaries," says Tawwab, but this is completely false. "We have this belief system that you should support your family no matter what; whatever resources I have, I have to share them with other people. We have all of these beliefs that really disrupt our mental health." But just because you feel bad during the conversation does not mean you're doing something wrong. In fact, you probably will feel bad the first couple of times! However, those conversations will get easier as you practice setting those boundaries.