This Is The Right Way To Apologize To Your Partner

A good apology can make a world of difference in repairing the rifts that all relationships encounter. But it's easy to miss the mark, leaving both of you confused, hurt, and perhaps feeling further apart than ever.

One of the most common ways to have your apology fall flat is to rush right in with an "I'm sorry" before your partner has a chance to fully talk about what's happened and how they feel about it. It's important to understand and empathize with their experience before you move into an apology. Without this crucial step of being heard and understood, an apology can feel like a rush to move on, dismissive of your partner's concerns.

Take the time to hear your partner, letting them describe how they perceived the situation, how it made them feel, and what they think about it. Ask clarifying questions if you need to, but don't respond or rebut their points at this stage. This is not the time to be framing your response or defending your actions; this is the time to give them the floor and really see things through their eyes. By the end of this process, you should be able to see how their perspective makes sense—even if you don't agree with it.

After you've made sure that your partner has been heard and understood, and after you've expressed your understanding of their position, it's time to examine your role in the misunderstanding, disagreement, or offense. It's worth noting that just because your partner is upset with you, that doesn't necessarily mean you've done something wrong. However, it's important to consider where you may have made mistakes, done hurtful things, or spoken in ways that created harm. Taking ownership of your actions does not mean you're 100 percent responsible for the problems, but you should take 100 percent ownership of the things you could have done better.

Once you've understood your partner's perspective and examined your role in the problem, you can apologize—if you're sorry. Let your partner know how you feel about what you've done wrong, how sorry you are, what you're willing to do differently in the future, and what you're willing to do now to repair the situation. Be specific about your contribution and exactly what you're sorry for. If you mean what you say, your partner will be able to tell; your apology will be effective.

It isn't helpful to say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." This is actually a statement of empathy, but it is worded as an apology, making it confusing and unsatisfying. In hearing that and thinking it's an apology, your partner may feel frustrated because it lacks any sort of accountability. These statements of empathy should come earlier in the process (see Step 2), and they are best worded without "I'm sorry" in order to be as clear as possible.

What do you do if you aren't sorry? An insincere apology is not helpful. If you truly believe there is nothing you would have wanted to do differently, then you can empathize with your partner and support them. Remember, it's possible to stand your ground and be kind, loving, and gentle with your partner at the same time. You can explain your perspective and why you believe you did nothing wrong while still remaining open to your partner's struggle.