How To Reject Someone Nicely But Firmly, From Dating Experts

It's never easy to reject someone. Most of us don't like hurting people, and rejection can undoubtedly sting.

That said, a kind but clear rejection is a gift: You're letting someone know—in no uncertain terms—that you're not interested in them romantically so that they don't continue to waste their time and energy on you or get their hopes up or face further hurt or disappointment down the line. You're also setting a boundary for yourself and protecting your own time and head space.

The first thing to consider is how you're going to deliver the news, whether that's via text, in person, or another mode of communication.

While it's widely considered best practice to break up with someone in person, letting someone know you're not interested in them doesn't always warrant an in-person meetup. According to sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, M.S., it's totally fine to reject someone over text if you've only gone on a date or two and your primary mode of communication has been through text. "To some folks, rejection by text is even preferable to meeting up in person only to be told things aren't working," she tells mbg.

That said, context matters a lot. "Think about your own specific situation," she says. "If you've been dating for a few months, it might be best to have a face-to-face chat."

"First, it's important to move away from an 'I am rejecting you' mindset to embrace a 'we're not a good match' mindset," says Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author of the book Date Smart. "On a neurolinguistic level, we tend to feel negative and guilty if we reject someone. However, if we switch to a 'we're not a good match' mindset, we neutralize the guilt and negativity."

"Be thoughtful. Rejection of any kind is hard to dish and receive," Battle points out. "Think about when might be a good time to deliver the news, for them and yourself."

Don't beat around the bush, make up excuses, or reach for cliches ("it's not you, it's me")—just be honest about where you're at with this person. "It's hard, but letting a person know why you feel things won't work is usually the best move," Battle says. "Most people will respect your honest assessment, and if they don't, that's an even bigger sign of incompatibility."

Now, of course, being honest doesn't mean pummeling the person with all the reasons you don't like them. It just means being direct and making it clear that the door is truly closed for you.

Importantly, remember that you can't speak for how they feel or what they need—you only know how you feel and what you need.

Now, while you should be honest and clear about why you're ending things, Manly also recommends keeping your messaging pretty simple overall. "It's easy to over-explain and offer proof of why the person is not a good fit for you. However, this can often create a rat's nest of questions and negative feelings," she notes. "Avoid overexplaining, rationalizing, or getting into a back-and-forth about how things could possibly work out."

If you are having this conversation in person, a little bit of back-and-forth may be unavoidable if the other person chooses to ask questions to understand more. You can offer your honest assessment, as Battle points out, without necessarily getting into the weeds or turning the conversation into a negotiation.

Be thoughtful about your word choice in this conversation. There's no need to be mean to someone as you walk them to the door (literally or metaphorically). As Battle notes, you can communicate where you stand without turning it into a commentary on this person's character.

"It's important to be direct and straightforward—yet very kind and compassionate," says Manly. It's not necessary to tell someone that you're not sexually attracted to them, that you don't like their sense of humor, or that you find conversations with them uninteresting. "Such comments sting and stick in the other person's memory long after the event."

At the end of the day, you can't control the way someone feels, and you shouldn't try to.

"The person who wants to disconnect can surely do so in a respectful, kind way, but this does not guarantee that the other person won't feel hurt or disappointed," Manly explains. "However, you're not responsible for that person's feelings when your actions were kind and compassionate. In general, the best you can do is break things off as kindly and gently as possible."

You can and should try to reject someone without hurting them by exercising kindness and thoughtfulness in the conversation, but after that, how they handle that rejection is up to them.

Yes, it's possible to reject someone romantically and still continue to be friends. "If you really like someone on every level except sexually and/or romantically, you can tell them that while you don't think it's a good idea to date each other, you'd still like to hang out if they're open to it," says Battle. "It may take time for them to come around, but some of the best friendships can start after a rejection."

The key here, though, is to make sure friendship would feel good for both people. Sometimes a rejection—and, more broadly, the disappointment of realizing a relationship won't blossom the way you hoped it would—can take quite a while for someone to work through and find acceptance. Battle says to be sure not to force it if the dynamic feels strained or difficult, or if you suspect it may be too painful or too soon for the other person. It may be necessary to push the pause button and give them some space to really move on before you reach out again to nurture a friendship.