How To Recover From A Big Fight With Your Partner, From A Therapist

"It's impossible for us to go on a simple shopping trip to buy a coffee maker without arguing."

"Why does even a simple exchange have to be so tense?"

"I don't even know what started it. All of a sudden, we were at each other's throats."

Repairing an argument is hard to do, but the cost of not doing it is high.

Learning to repair an argument is the path to recovery from all the unwanted tension it creates—and the quicker, the better. An hour or two of misery definitely beats days of emotional disconnection and icy stares.

Without repair, misunderstandings and hurt feelings don't disappear—they just go into hibernation and reappear at unsuspecting moments for the coming days, weeks, and even months.

Oddly enough, the beginning of a repair is actually to stop the argument as soon as possible so that there's less damage to recover from. So much of the leftover hurt and anger is about the harsh words that were exchanged in the heat of the moment. The longer the dispute goes on, the more the hurt continues to pile up and the inflicted wounds cut deeper.

As you likely know, when you're all riled up, it's really hard to stop. It's so tempting to think, "just one more sentence, and I'll prove my point!" Or, you so want to be understood that disengaging feels like conceding or giving up. But the truth is, when tempers are flaring, understanding isn't going to happen.

Then physically separate. If you stay together, restarting the argument might be irresistible. You're likely either charged up or starting to feel withdrawn or emotionally shut down. Notice which is most true for you. If you're charged up, your heart might be beating a bit faster, and you're in a "fight" mode. Allow your nervous system to settle into neutral. If you're sinking, try moving even though it can be challenging to find the motivation. Going for a run or fast walk can be helpful in both situations.

Think of your logical brain being offline when you're in one of these states. Finding an equilibrium in your own nervous system is crucial before you can think clearly. This can take an hour for one person and many hours for another. Finding this state where you are neither in a charged-up mode nor a shutdown one is what can allow you to have a safer and more constructive conversation.

This is the hardest part: What do you think you contributed to the argument? You may feel innocent in causing the altercation but perhaps threw some darts that escalated the turmoil. Repair begins with an apology for your part in it, even if you think you're only responsible for 2% of what happened.

Why is it hard to apologize? If you genuinely apologize, it requires you to be vulnerable, a feeling people tend to find extremely uncomfortable. Admitting you've been wrong or behaved in a way that you're not proud of can be quite painful.

Perhaps you were criticized in your family growing up, and this brings up bad feelings that you try to avoid at all costs. Perhaps apologizing makes you feel weak, or you fear that you'll lose power in the relationship. It might bring up feelings of self-loathing or worthlessness. Blaming your partner avoids all that discomfort—and keeps the argument cycle likely to continue.

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field.

I’ll meet you there."

—Rumi, 13th-century philosopher