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I Spent 3 Decades in Emotionally Abusive Relationships & I Didn't Even Realize It—Here’s Why

Shannon Kaiser
Author:
October 11, 2024
Shannon Kaiser
By Shannon Kaiser
mbg Contributor
Shannon Kaiser is the best-selling author of 5 books on the psychology of happiness and fulfillment including The Self-Love Experiment, Adventures for Your Soul, and Joy Seeker. She has a B.A. in Journalism and Communications from the University of Oregon.
man and woman sitting in desert
Image by Chelsea Ruggiero / Stocksy
October 11, 2024

I once lived with a boyfriend who started to financially, psychologically, and emotionally abuse me. To save myself, I moved out.

When I tried to tell those closest to me why it had to end, rather than asking about my emotional and mental wellbeing, responses included, “At least he didn’t physically abuse you,” and, “We don’t see that side of him.” Some friends even continued to socialize with him.

I didn’t know which felt worse: the disloyalty and emotional invalidation from people closest to me, or the complex post-traumatic stress (CPTSD) warping my self-image and worldview, created by someone I once trusted and gave my heart to. I couldn’t help but think, So this is what love is supposed to feel like.

With no physical evidence apparent, it seemed the logic was "out of sight, out of mind." This is the big elephant that needs to be addressed; Not all wounds are visible, and we harm others by invalidating their experiences. 

13 million people are currently suffering from PTSD in America, often leading to anxiety and depression. As someone who has now overcome clinical depression, anxiety, CPTSD, eating disorders, and substance abuse, I had no idea it was connected to my interpersonal relationships at the time.

I always assumed the problem was me

For decades I experienced chronic overthinking. I felt taken advantage of, surrounded by people who wanted more from me but not the best for me.

Feeling depleted, ignored, undervalued, and unappreciated, I couldn’t understand why no matter how much I strived for peace and practiced conflict resolution, my relationships felt chaotic, one-sided, and fueled with drama. It wasn’t until my early forties that almost every romantic partner I'd experienced had taken a toll on my mind, body, and soul.

Suffering weight gain, complex migraines, and brain fog, I was bedridden for days, and then diagnosed with fibromyalgia, a chronic widespread muscle pain condition. It was then that I finally made the connection between my mental health and my degrading physical health. 

Fibromyalgia is often caused by trauma1, psychological stress, repressed emotions, PTSD and narcissistic abuse. It became clear that my interpersonal relationships were literally killing my body, mind, and soul. 

I could no longer run from myself

I had to confront a difficult truth: the jarring realization that for me to exist in the world so far, I'd had to betray myself, to appease everyone around me. Somehow, I was had lived through serious psychological and emotional abuse, not just from romantic partners, but by bullies, users, and controlling people I thought were friends, family, and coworkers.

I realized my mental health was connected to my physical health and it was all directly tied to the company I surrounded myself with. My childhood emotional neglect groomed me into pacifying other’s needs. I was trained to be a good girl, to be nice, to be a people pleaser, which resulted in a wounded internal belief system that I was unimportant and my needs didn’t matter.

This attracted a lifetime of abusers. 

Emotional abuse causes real damage to a person’s brain, affecting their emotional & physical health, as well as their social & cognitive development

When a child’s basic emotional needs are not met2, and they experience, neglect, emotional abuse, or abandonment, and care takers are insensitive to the child’s developmental needs, its considered serious abuse. It conveys to children that they are worthless, flawed, unloved, and unwanted. Or, that they're only of value if they're meeting another’s needs.

Not only does emotional abuse cause low self-esteem, but it impacts the trajectory of our life3. We are more likely to suffer anxiety, depression, and PTSD, and get involved with abusive partners.

Long-term emotional abuse has the potential to make us feel our needs don’t matter as much as everyone else’s, which only further fuels the codependent behaviors of ignoring our own boundaries. The people pleasing cycle keeps us locked into unhealthy relationships with abusive people. Yet, we are so used to not having our needs met, often from neglectful childhoods, that we don’t even realize we're being abused. 

Nevertheless, roughly 36% of the population4 has suffered from emotional abuse, so here's what to look out for.

Types of psychological & emotional abuse

1.

Emotional invalidation

Dismissing, rejecting, judging, and or ignoring your thoughts, feelings and emotions. This can sound like, “You shouldn’t feel that way,” “That’s not true,” “You’re too sensitive,” or, “I don’t see the problem. That’s not my reality.”

2.

Disrespecting and/or ignoring your boundaries

Violating your personal space, reading your personal journal or diary, going through your phone or emails, showing up, using your stuff, getting into your accounts, finances, etc. 

3.

Manipulative behaviors

Deceitful tactics to control, dominate, use, or exploit you. Some examples of manipulation tactics include:

  • Playing mind games: The purpose is to confuse or disorient you.
  • Guilt tripping or playing the victim: Making you feel responsible for their actions or like you need to save, fix, or help them.
  • Love bombing: Showering you with love, attention and care, then withdrawing, devaluing and desugaring you.
  • Silent treatment: Refusing to communicate as a form of punishment, stonewalling, hoovering.
4.

Gaslighting

Denying specific events, arguments, or situations ever happened, making you question your memory and sanity. This can look like:

  • Denying reality: They straight up deny it happened even though you know it did.
  • Minimizing your feelings: Telling you you’re overreacting, “too dramatic,” etc.
  • Projecting blame: Shifting the blame by refusing to accept accountability.
  • Withholding information: Keeping you in the dark about important matters intentionally to keep control. 
  • Cheating: To deliberately cause you anguish or make you jealous, and lying about it.
  • Alligator tears: Fake crying to illicit a response or redirect the narrative. 
5.

Stonewalling

Refusing to engage, communicate, reach out, or resolve conflicts to maintain control and/or punish. This can look like:

  • Ignoring: Purposely ignoring you and refusing to respond or acknowledge your presence.
  • Shutting down: Refusing to discuss anything with you, including the problem or addressing the concerns.
  • Avoidance: Physically, mentally, or emotionally avoiding you to create emotional distance.
  • Withholding: Denying affection or acknowledgment; refusing to meet your needs.
6.

Verbal abuse

Using words to belittle, demean, or control you. For example:

  • Making jokes: At your expense. 
  • Humiliation: Ridicule, name-calling, public humiliation. 
  • Derogatory names: Insults. 
  • Threats, yelling or shouting: Raising their voice to intimidate or frighten you.
  • Constant criticism: Continually finding fault with you; trying to make you feel worthless.
  • Body shaming: Picking at or making comments about your appearance 
7.

Overprotection

Mistaken for caring, overprotection can be a form of psychological abuse that involves excessive control. 

8.

Actively working to turn others against you

  • Intentionally withholding information.
  • Pretending to care about you but working against you.
  • Jealous behavior.
  • Trying to undermine you, slow down your growth, or otherwise hold you back.
  • Telling others lies about you or working with others to try to hinder, harm, or make you jealous. 
9.

Dismissiveness

  • Treating you like you're inferior. 
  • Intimidation, coercion, bullying, and harassment. 
  • Refusing to be there for you when you need help. 
  • Disrespecting or ignoring boundaries.
  • Blaming you for their problems.
  • Trivializing your feelings.
10.

Objectifying you

Treating you like a possession or property.

How to break free from toxic & emotionally abusive relationships

1.

Acknowledge the abuse

Start by being honest with yourself and acknowledge that it is happening. Abusers are masters at making you deny your reality, and you're probably good at making excuses for them.

So, ask yourself how you really feel in this relationship. Can you be yourself? Are your needs getting met? Do you feel respected and honored? 

2.

Connect outside of the relationship; build a support system

Make sure you have a solid support system in place. Reach out to loved ones who genuinely care about you, or create new connections with support groups or therapists. 

3.

 Process emotions 

Understanding your emotions and giving yourself a safe place to feel them is important. Healing is revealing; the grief, sadness, and forgiveness to yourself and others is part of the healing journey. 

4.

Leave and go no-contact

If you can end the relationship, it is wise to do so to project yourself and loved ones. No one deserves to be abused. Going no contact will help you heal and move forward.

5.

Focus on yourself

Start to process your emotions with healthy behavioral and therapeutic processes, such as trauma therapy, life coaching, mindfulness therapy, somatic exercises, meditation, mantras, personal development workshops and books, trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT), Attachment and Biobehavioral Catchup (ABC), family therapy, etc. 

6.

Practice self love & self care 

Showing up for yourself and putting yourself first is the foundation for a strong healthy mind, body, and soul. The more you take care of yourself, the less you will be able to be manipulated or swayed into someone else's web of deceit.

7.

 Detach from projections 

Start to untangle yourself from the lies the abusers cast onto you. Many of them are bullies who are projecting their own fears, telling you that you’re worthless and won’t amount to anything. These things are not truths. Detach and uncover your true self. 

8.

 Set firm boundaries & new standards 

Start to put up firm boundaries and learn about manipulation tactics, how to spot liars, and guard yourself from a place of love. Know your worth and set new standards for who and what you will allow in your life. 

The takeaway

Here's the thing: this isn’t just your ex or your current partner, father, or mother-in-law—it's an energy. This righteous, neglectful, “my needs are more important than yours,” controlling, selfish, manipulative energy is a consciousness. It is a type of energy that festers in society and gets passed on subconsciously throughout generations.

This selfish, abusive, complete disregard for other human life is impacting our mental, physical, and spiritual growth. And the only way to stop it is to be aware and refuse to allow it.

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