I Spent 3 Decades in Emotionally Abusive Relationships & I Didn't Even Realize It—Here’s Why

I once lived with a boyfriend who started to financially, psychologically, and emotionally abuse me. To save myself, I moved out.

When I tried to tell those closest to me why it had to end, rather than asking about my emotional and mental wellbeing, responses included, “At least he didn’t physically abuse you,” and, “We don’t see that side of him.” Some friends even continued to socialize with him.

I didn’t know which felt worse: the disloyalty and emotional invalidation from people closest to me, or the complex post-traumatic stress (CPTSD) warping my self-image and worldview, created by someone I once trusted and gave my heart to. I couldn’t help but think, So this is what love is supposed to feel like.

With no physical evidence apparent, it seemed the logic was "out of sight, out of mind." This is the big elephant that needs to be addressed; Not all wounds are visible, and we harm others by invalidating their experiences. 

For decades I experienced chronic overthinking. I felt taken advantage of, surrounded by people who wanted more from me but not the best for me.

Feeling depleted, ignored, undervalued, and unappreciated, I couldn’t understand why no matter how much I strived for peace and practiced conflict resolution, my relationships felt chaotic, one-sided, and fueled with drama. It wasn’t until my early forties that almost every romantic partner I'd experienced had taken a toll on my mind, body, and soul.

Suffering weight gain, complex migraines, and brain fog, I was bedridden for days, and then diagnosed with fibromyalgia, a chronic widespread muscle pain condition. It was then that I finally made the connection between my mental health and my degrading physical health. 

I had to confront a difficult truth: the jarring realization that for me to exist in the world so far, I'd had to betray myself, to appease everyone around me. Somehow, I was had lived through serious psychological and emotional abuse, not just from romantic partners, but by bullies, users, and controlling people I thought were friends, family, and coworkers.

I realized my mental health was connected to my physical health and it was all directly tied to the company I surrounded myself with. My childhood emotional neglect groomed me into pacifying other’s needs. I was trained to be a good girl, to be nice, to be a people pleaser, which resulted in a wounded internal belief system that I was unimportant and my needs didn’t matter.

When a child’s basic emotional needs are not met2, and they experience, neglect, emotional abuse, or abandonment, and care takers are insensitive to the child’s developmental needs, its considered serious abuse. It conveys to children that they are worthless, flawed, unloved, and unwanted. Or, that they're only of value if they're meeting another’s needs.

Not only does emotional abuse cause low self-esteem, but it impacts the trajectory of our life3. We are more likely to suffer anxiety, depression, and PTSD, and get involved with abusive partners.

Long-term emotional abuse has the potential to make us feel our needs don’t matter as much as everyone else’s, which only further fuels the codependent behaviors of ignoring our own boundaries. The people pleasing cycle keeps us locked into unhealthy relationships with abusive people. Yet, we are so used to not having our needs met, often from neglectful childhoods, that we don’t even realize we're being abused. 

Start by being honest with yourself and acknowledge that it is happening. Abusers are masters at making you deny your reality, and you're probably good at making excuses for them.

Here's the thing: this isn’t just your ex or your current partner, father, or mother-in-law—it's an energy. This righteous, neglectful, “my needs are more important than yours,” controlling, selfish, manipulative energy is a consciousness. It is a type of energy that festers in society and gets passed on subconsciously throughout generations.