How To Keep Showing Up In Your Relationship, Even When You're Super Stressed

The birth of a child, a financial crisis, a looming work deadline. To be a human being means you will sometimes experience stress. It's our common denominator.

Stress is our natural survival response to perceived threats or demands. It signals that something is off-balance in our lives or, as is often the case, our perception of a threat is bigger than the situation calls for. In this distressed state when we need our partner's support the most, we often find ways to push them further away and forget how we're affecting our relationship—often causing additional problems on top of the original stressors.

Stress tends to bring out our worst selves. In this primal state, we become cavemen protecting ourselves from wild animals. Our bodies don't know the difference between a deadline and a deadly tiger! We can feel panicked and become irritable, moody creatures with few resources left over for good communication and thoughtfulness.

In times of distress, it is easy to become self-focused, absorbed by our physical discomfort and the thought spirals that hold us hostage. Research shows1 that in this place, our capacity for empathy is greatly diminished. We lose access to how we are affecting others and, most importantly, how we're affecting our partner.

When people are stressed out, their interactions with loved ones tend to fall somewhere on the spectrum between avoiding and engaging.

Engagers respond to their stress by frantically seeking reassurance and comfort in ways that make their partner feel overwhelmed and helpless. In response, their partner may get frustrated or withdraw, wishing they could solve the problem but feeling there is nothing they can do to help. In turn, engagers feel alone and misunderstood. You can probably predict how this negative and vicious cycle turns out.

Avoiders respond to stress by withdrawing inward and avoid communicating about their internal experience. They fear burdening their partner and may have learned that they need to manage difficult emotions alone. In their silence, they communicate powerfully. In response to their withdrawal, partners of avoiders are likely to experience similar patterns of helplessness and frustration.

In each case, both partners are left feeling alone and disconnected, amplifying an already stressful situation.

It would be such a relief if our partner could read our mind! But sadly they can't, so you'll need to let them know what's up—always, but especially when you're dealing with a lot of stress in your life right now. It's vulnerable and challenging to express your needs, but it'll pay off in spades in the long run. People want to show up for their partner in difficult moments but usually don't know how, making them feel inept, helpless, and frustrated. Imagine if you could avoid those bad feelings!

We need our partners the most during stressful periods, but it's important to recognize that support can also come from others. One critical way to protect your relationship is to lean on friends and family members who you trust with your vulnerability, especially if your partner is also caught in stress.