How To Lovingly Tolerate The Narcissist In Your Life, From A Psychologist

That said, provided there is no abuse at play and you feel good about remaining in the relationship, there are ways you can learn how to lovingly tolerate—and even connect with—the narcissist in your life. By following the seven simple tips outlined below (and sticking to them even when it's tough), you'll feel better about yourself and your relationship with your "favorite" narcissist:

It's not easy dealing with a narcissist. Although they seem strong and capable on the outside, they often suffer from low self-esteem and inner fears. At their worst, narcissists can be exhausting, maddening, and vicious. At their best, narcissists can be charming and interesting. Most narcissists vacillate between these poles—often erring toward the exhausting and maddening side. When you accept this truth, you won't suffer from ongoing disappointments—and you'll see the merit of giving yourself extra empathy and loads of TLC. Even outside of the unique situation of being in a relationship with a narcissist, having this solid foundation of self-care and self-love is part of what I call dating smart.

For all their blustering and willful, self-absorbed ways, at the core of most narcissists is an empty, frightened child who only wanted to be loved and supported in healthy ways. Although the narcissist in your life will likely never admit this, their inner world is a dark and scary void where self-awareness is almost nonexistent. They try—unsuccessfully—to fill this empty space with external success, control, and material things, and this only leads to greater unrest. The very things the narcissist really wants and needs—safety, trust, vulnerability, and emotional connection—are the very things they avoid with all their might. When you see the narcissist in your life through this lens, you'll have more compassion and understanding for the narcissist's plight.

The narcissist counts on you not requiring accountability, so—even when it's challenging—you'll both benefit in the long term from staying strong in this area.

Sadly, many narcissists love to fight for the sheer fun of it. Healthy individuals understand that conflict is a natural part of life, and they strive to work through issues honestly and fairly. The opposite is true for the argumentative, power-hungry narcissist. Although they may insist that they don't like conflict, there's a part of the narcissist that often craves the sense of power and control derived from interpersonal conflict. When you feel the narcissist in your life gearing up for battle, take a timeout; go for a walk or carve out private time so you can detach and unwind. The narcissist will learn, over time, that you're not going to be the punching bag in the relationship.

Given that narcissists (who are often bullies with very low self-esteem) enjoy the fuel they garner from fighting, it's important to learn to choose which topics are important to discuss and which you can let go over without fostering resentment. If the narcissist is being disrespectful, dishonest, or destructive in other ways, it's wise to address these issues with careful attention to timing. If, however, your narcissist is merely acting like a difficult child, it's often wiser to take a step back and let the narcissist have a tantrum in private. The narcissist's awful temper will often self-destruct if you're not present to give it fuel. It's not your job to fix the narcissist in your life, but it is important to make sure you are treated with respect.

When you emphasize teamwork in your relationship—a concept that is foreign to the narcissist—you'll make slow but steady headway. By gently calling out when your narcissist is on a "this is all about me" track, you can bring attention to the fact that you're focused on a "we can both win by collaborating" mindset that will serve you both well in the long term.

Narcissists tend to not like being questioned due to their often low sense of self-esteem and inner shakiness. Narcissists would rather shut you down than feel the anxiousness that arises when asked to self-reflect or respond with authenticity. However, you can slowly connect with a narcissist by engaging in question-asking that builds healthy communication and connection. Start with low-level, extremely non-threatening questions (though narcissists may find any question threatening); over time, you can work up to questions that can actually build a bit of trust and intimacy.

Yes, it's easy to get angered by the narcissist's maneuvers; being very difficult is one of the narcissist's specialties. However, when you learn to step back to see how downright ridiculous the narcissist can be, you might actually find yourself smiling. Whether reflecting on the narcissist's all-too-common mixed messages, "I'm the hero" stories, double standards, or perplexing lack of honest self-awareness, try to find humor in the messiness of the narcissist's inner world.

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They're available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website or text START to 88788.