11 Steps To Let Go Of The Past & Actually Move Forward

We all have a past, and sometimes, things that happened in the past have a way of sticking with us—and hold us back from moving forward.

Whether you want to let go of a past relationship, a past mistake, or a past trauma, it can be incredibly difficult to disentangle yourself from whatever it is you've gone through—but the good news is, the urge you feel to move forward is actually guiding you in the right direction.

As psychology expert Megan Hale, M.A., previously wrote for mindbodygreen, "The reason most of us feel guilt or shame for our past actions is because those actions were not in line with our current morals and values. In this way, our previous wrongdoings can actually clue us in to what we hold now important."

But that doesn't mean it's easy, of course. According to marriage and family therapist Shelly Bullard, MFT, once your heart is deeply connected to something, whether it's a person or experience for better or worse, it can be very difficult to let it go. "Even if you know [it's not right] for you, you still hang on because the depth of connection is so strong," she explains.

Understand that healing is not linear, and letting go takes time. After all, we can't change the past, and we may never be the same—but that doesn't mean we have to stay stuck.

As somatic psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, tells mindbodygreen, "Stepping away from the past is often more of a process of moving through rather than letting go. We can't just let go and forget, but rather we often need to sit with the feelings, process them, and move through them to states where we feel more calm, centered, and empowered rather than feeling triggered by a past event."

Affirmations and mantras can be a powerful tool to help "rewire" negative thought loops, priming the brain to look for and believe in what it is you're telling yourself, which is why Richmond recommends them for letting go of the past.

She notes that her all-time favorite and go-to mantra is, That was then, this is now. "I use this frequently with survivors of trauma, as a daily reminder that they are safe now and that they are here now," she explains.

We may not even realize we're stuck in the past if we aren't consciously aware of the thoughts that run amok in our minds. As such, Spinelli says, mindfulness is an important practice for letting go of the past. "Take more time with mindfulness—focusing on the present and what is instead of what was," she says.

Radical acceptance is exactly what it sounds like: Accepting what has happened, even if it requires a radical change in thinking on your part. As therapist Megan Bruneau, M.A., previously told mindbodygreen, this doesn't mean you wanted or are grateful for what's happened but rather, "you're choosing to allow it to be there when you can't change it in that moment."

According to Spinelli, sometimes letting go requires leaning into forgiveness, whether that's forgiveness toward yourself or another person. It's like the old saying goes: Holding resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. "Recognize that it's toxic for you to hold on to it," Spinelli says.

It might seem counterintuitive to dissect your past with inner child and/or shadow work, but when it comes to letting go of the past, sometimes the only way out is through.

As clinical psychologist Trish Phillips, Psy.D., previously told mindbodygreen, inner child work helps to "remind ourselves that we're not wrong or bad [and] heal the shame that comes with just having feelings."

Tying back to the previous point, but specifically focusing on the body, you may find success in letting go of the past when you can get your body involved. As James S. Gordon, M.D., psychiatrist and author of The Transformation: Discovering Wholeness and Healing After Trauma, previously told mindbodygreen, "Everything that happens to us emotionally or psychologically happens to our bodies as well. It's all connected."

Last but certainly not least, be patient with yourself as you learn to let go. Again, we can't take back what's happened, but we can change how we move forward. Without diminishing the gravity of your experiences, sometimes it can be helpful to try to make meaning out of what's happened to you. This doesn't mean you have to like it, but if you're able to reframe the way you think about your experiences, you can better integrate the things that have happened to you.

Sometimes we have to get over a breakup, and other times, we have to forgive ourselves or our partner for something that's transpired within the relationship, such as infidelity, to keep the relationship afloat. And the first step is forgiveness.

According to Leader, "If you find yourself doubting your partner's commitment, ability, or intent—consider how you might be activated by past hurt," Leader says, adding, "Then compare this to current evidence from your partner's actions. Maybe you find that your partner is showing up in many ways, but your hurt from the past relationship is blinding your ability to see it."

And if you're getting over a breakup, Leeds says, even if it was your decision, it's still an open wound that will take time to heal. "If you loved this person deeply, you may always love them, but their role in your life has changed," licensed therapist LeNaya Smith Crawford, LMFT, previously told mindbodygreen. "You can absolutely love them from afar [but] the most important thing is to give yourself grace, honor your emotions day by day, and give yourself the space to process for as long as you need."

Whether you're going through a breakup or you and your partner are going through a rough patch, Smith Crawford recommends starting a daily meditation practice to help you visualize a beautiful future. "It is important to remember that you are a whole and powerful being, and you do not need a relationship to validate that. Oftentimes, we get so caught up in a relationship that we lose sight of the things that make us, the individual, feel good," she explains. 

Guilt and shame are very real feelings that virtually always relate to something that we've done in the past. But what if today, right now, we truly had a blank slate? As licensed behavioral counselor Cindy Saleeby Goulding, M.S., LPC, previously wrote for mindbodygreen, one of the biggest hurdles is letting go of your inner critic.

"Focusing on the I should do this or I should have done that sets you up for being self-critical. When you 'should' on yourself, you are judging yourself," she explains, adding, "When you judge yourself, you are limiting all of your potential to grow and think openly."

Instead of judging, she says, we can learn from our past and use those experiences as tools for change. "Instead of getting caught up in the 'shoulds,' think of ways that you can learn to adjust your way of thinking," Saleeby Goulding explains, recommending to start by letting go of the thoughts that may not even be beneficial to you.

If you've experienced a trauma, or even have post-traumatic stress disorder, letting go of the past is going to be a bit more of a difficult task that includes a lot of emotional unpacking.

Letting go of past trauma is an involved process that includes a number of different methods and practices and is best done with the help of a mental health professional. Some recommendations to get you started include EFT (tapping), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), and practicing radical acceptance.