How To Help A Friend In A Bad Relationship, According To Experts

Remember that abuse isn't only physical—it can also be emotional or verbal. If your reasoning for not liking your friend's partner is because you see or suspect abuse in the relationship, it's important not to take a passive approach.

According to licensed marriage and family therapist Tiana Leeds, M.A., LMFT, you'll want to share what you've observed from a loving and supportive place. "Know that your friend may be experiencing a lot of shame about being in an abusive relationship, so showing up for them in a nonjudgmental way is key," she explains to mbg. "Let them know you see what they're going through and that they don't deserve to be abused."

She adds that abuse often lowers self-esteem, so reflecting their worth back to them can be very helpful.

It may take time for your friend to be ready to accept the reality of what's happening and to take steps to end the relationship, so let them know that you're available to talk or help whenever they need it. In the meantime, be there for your friend in solidarity, offer resources and information (including domestic violence shelters and hotlines), and try to help them plan their way out.

In the event that abuse is not present and you're simply not this person's biggest fan, clinical psychologist Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy, advises honestly reflecting on why that is. Sometimes, she explains, we project our own standards onto our friends, and no matter how well meaning you are, your friend may not have the same standards, or they may not be in a place where they're ready to raise them.

Leeds echoes this point, adding, "Often, our own taste in a partner might vary so drastically from our friend's taste that what troubles us about a friend's partner may be a nonissue to them."

If you do decide to open up the conversation with your friend, Leeds and Neo both stress the importance of doing so very delicately. For one thing, Neo says, if your friend has already become attached to their partner, getting them to see your POV won't be easy and could potentially cause a rift in your friendship.

Also, if you believe their partner to be manipulative or otherwise abusive, this person may go the isolation route, planting seeds that friends and family are out to get them—further causing distance between you and your friend. All the more reason to approach things delicately.

"Try to bring it up in a loving and objective way with clear examples. It can also be helpful to remind your friend that only they know what's best for them and that you will be there no matter who they date," Leeds explains.

No one wants to feel attacked by their friends, especially when it comes to their relationship. As such, Neo suggests keeping the focus on your friend and how their partner's behavior is affecting them. Should they bring up something nasty their partner did, you could ask them what they think about that behavior and how it makes them feel.

Difficult as it may be, be patient with your friend as they navigate the relationship and figure out what's best for them. Even if it seems like they're starting to realize their partner isn't ideal, remain delicate and supportive.

"They're just waiting for you to flip so they can make you look like a loose cannon. You may have to put yourself in that mode where being authentic may not serve you or your friendship," she explains. Try to be polite, gracious, and dignified. (This is sometimes referred to as the grey rock method.)

And finally, unless you want to make yourself sick stressing about your friend's relationship, you have to accept the fact that only your friend can know (and act on) what's truly best for them.

No one knows what really goes on in a relationship besides the people in it, Leeds explains, and even if your friend brings up every little gripe they have with their partner, there could be plenty of good moments that aren't shared with you.

If abuse is present, it's important to firmly encourage your friend to walk away from a relationship. In any other case, you'll want to approach the situation with a delicate balance of discussion and support. Perhaps you'll end up realizing this person isn't so bad and they make your friend happy—but even if your feelings don't change, still, all you can do is trust your friend's choices, be a sounding board for them when they need it, and support them through the ups and downs that come along.