6 Ways To Have Better Sex In Your 40s, 50s & Beyond

As a practicing gynecologist for over 20 years, I'm all too familiar with the struggles that women face in midlife, especially when it comes to decreased (or nonexistent) libidos and disconnected, unsatisfying relationships. In fact, this issue is one of the core focuses of my medical practice, which is dedicated to women in midlife.

When you look at the perfect storm that we face beginning in our 40s and 50s—disappearing fertility, hormonal changes, children leaving the nest, aging or dying parents—it's no wonder that our relationships and our sex drive get put on the back burner and begin to wilt. After a while, we feel as if we have completely lost our sexual being, which is a depressing conclusion to come to, and one that I sought to challenge.

I've been there personally, and I'm here to tell you with confidence that your life does have the potential to grow richer over the years, and that includes having the best sex of your life after 40, 50, 60, and beyond! No matter how you might feel right now, know that your sexual being has not died. It is just "taking a nap," as I say to my patients.

I know this to be true from my own personal transformation as well as through the extensive research study I conducted for my book Sexually Woke. I studied a group of over 1,000 women between the ages of 45 and 65 and discovered that 7% of women in midlife have fulfilling sex lives and relationships. (Other studies have found up to 1 in 5 women saying the same!) While this percentage might seem small, the fact that this is true for some women—whom I call the "sexually woke"—means that it is possible for all of us.

We typically think of sex as vaginal intercourse. However, we should shift our mindset to define it as "intimate physical contact." Physical intimacy is key in healthy relationships, and vaginal intercourse is not always a pleasurable way to express this. In fact, only 4 out of 10 women regularly have an orgasm through vaginal intercourse.

Research shows that the most reliable way for a woman to achieve orgasm after 50 is with a vibrator or toy, so it's time to try this out if you haven't already—partner or not!

One of my key findings about women in midlife with vibrant sex lives is that they are comfortable in their own skin and familiar with their bodies and what they like and don't like when it comes to sex. Changes to our bodies and to our sexual anatomy are inevitable as we age, especially if we have children. It's important that we accept these changes and feel content and deeply connected to ourselves; otherwise, a deep connection with our partner is impossible.

My research affirmed a connection between spiritual wellness and sexual satisfaction. Spirituality looks different for everyone—it can be God, yoga, meditation, nature, or conscious generosity practices. The essential common thread is a deep understanding of connection to something bigger than yourself based in love, connection, and compassion.