This Is The Most Important Ingredient Of A Lasting Relationship

Here are some of the most important things you should know about generosity, especially if you're looking to apply it to your relationship:

This does not mean you are doomed to selfishness. Think of generosity as a muscle. You can give yourself a kind of “workout.” You start at the gym without much capacity to lift even a few pounds, but over time you build muscle strength. Generosity is the same. It may feel strange and even counterintuitive, but if you want to be generous and act as though you are, you can will yourself to get better at it.

Giving until it hurts or trying to buy affection does not develop a healthy relationship. True generosity is also not doing things to make yourself feel smug, superior, or to ease guilt. It does not take the place of caring for yourself or expecting your partner to do his or her part. For example, one of the key predictors of marital success is domestic equality in the home. This practice is not about denying your own needs but about understanding that when you give, something powerful happens inside you. Happiness, self-esteem, and well-being are connected to enjoying caring for others.

All relationships are full of ruptures and disagreements. Minor infractions are committed often: a confidence broken, a promise forgotten, a complaint that feels like an unfair criticism. Of course, this also means that it's important that people are willing to apologize, to make amends, and to hear their partner’s complaints without being defensive. When it comes to couples, most conflict arises when people hold on to small issues that evolve into big ones. Certainly, major betrayals require amends and healing. But when smaller annoyances are resolved easily, they leave more room for appreciation, which allows a relationship to thrive. A generous heart facilitates this with much more ease than a stingy one.

Your first interpretation of your partner’s behavior should be in their favor. If he doesn’t call when he said he would, he probably got busy at work. If she is late to the restaurant, maybe traffic was heavier than usual, or she had an unexpected issue to take care of. If he missed acknowledging an important occasion, maybe he had more on his mind than usual. If she is not very affectionate lately, perhaps she is worrying about something or having a bad day. This is not the same as letting major neglect and infractions slide; instead, it is summed up by the adage, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”

Moreover, giving does not mean giving in, as the former is a gift freely given, and the latter quickly leads to resentment. Giving also works in the reverse—meaning you accept your partner’s “no” with kindness and understanding, even though it’s not what you want to hear.

It might be possible to hardwire your brain to fall and stay in love. Sound crazy? Check this out before you write it off.