How To Handle Differing Levels Of Maturity In A Relationship

Are you and your partner struggling with an overt difference in overall maturity levels? Do you seem to date people who are of similar age but seem far less mature than you? Are you generally satisfied with your partner but frustrated with elements of a partner's behavior that seem oddly immature? If any of these issues resonate with you, know that there are some actionable steps for dealing with discrepancies in psychological maturity.

Research suggests that relationships fare best when partners' chronological ages are within a year of each other. The greater the age gap, the less likely it is that both partners will enjoy a mutually satisfying and lasting relationship. But what happens when chronological ages are well matched, but maturity levels are not? 

Psychological maturity, which comprises both emotional and mental development, is a foundational element of a healthy relationship. Those who have developed maturity have learned how to respond to relationship and general life challenges in wise, productive ways. Maturity does not automatically come with age; it develops over time as we learn how to navigate life with wisdom. For example, a 20-something individual may be exceedingly mature, while a person who is decades older may be extremely irresponsible and immature in many ways. So, regardless of physical age, partners who value maturity tend to fare well in the long term.

In truth, if you and your partner are not aligned in the maturity department, it's likely that you'll struggle with this issue until a level of maturational balance—or a strong level of acceptance—is reached.

When you're facing maturity discrepancies, it's important to mindfully slow down to assess the nature of the issues. In some cases, there is a global lack of maturity that affects work, home life, and social interactions. At the other end of the spectrum, the maturity issues may be minor and confined to minor areas.

Interestingly, maturational discrepancies sometimes offer upsides. For example, you might find that you tend to over-focus on work and make insufficient time for relaxation and play. A partner who is more of a child at heart can actually add a bit of balance and joy to a relationship that's in danger of being "too mature."

Although we often expect adults to mature as they age, maturity and chronological aging don't always go hand in hand. In truth, some people simply do not want to mature as they age. If you're facing a maturational disparity, it's important to know if there is a desire to mature. In some cases, a person really wants to invest in maturing psychologically. In others, there is a childlike desire to ignore the idea. Sometimes, there is a complete disavowal of the importance of maturation.

If you decide that your relationship is worth keeping despite (or maybe even because of) the maturational disparities, try to find ways you can create greater balance in the relationship. If an uptick in maturity is needed, you have a variety of choices such as couples' therapy, individual therapy, and support groups. You can also invest in self-help books to help learn and grow together. (My book, Date Smart, which focuses on creating relationships based on mutual values, similar goals, and balanced psychological maturity, may be a good place to start.)

Another terrific option is creating couple time once per week (ideally on a weekend day when you're both refreshed) to work on "maturing individually and together" issues. Couples who want to evolve together do best when a team approach is embraced.

Unfortunately, not all relationships with problematic maturational issues get the healing attention they need and deserve. In cases such as this, the "work" is deciding whether to stay, leave, or wait to see if change miraculously occurs. If you're on the fence, be on the lookout for a few key red flags such as a general lack of responsibility, power-play dynamics, stonewalling, a lack of honesty, or an unwillingness to communicate in healthy ways.

While the advice above is intended for partners who are around the same age, there are some additional considerations to keep in mind if there is an age difference in addition to a maturity difference.

When assessing a relationship where an age difference exists, pause to notice if there is genuine alignment on key issues such as values, interests, and priorities. For example, a 10-year age gap might not be problematic if both partners share the same goals and interests. However, the same age gap can create significant issues if the partners are not aligned on important factors such as having children and financial goals.

Psychological maturation is not a given. It's a gift that we give to ourselves—and to others—as we mindfully journey through life with courage, self-awareness, and wisdom.