How To Encourage Your Partner To Live A Healthy Lifestyle When It's The Last Thing They Want To Do

First of all, the bad news. As someone who’s been married for several decades and been a life coach and couples therapist for as many years, there’s one thing I’ve learned: We cannot "get" our partner to do anything. One of the most important things I know is that we are not in charge of our partner’s choices; we cannot convince, shame, or bribe true change in another person.

For some of us, the movement toward a healthier lifestyle comes gradually as we integrate new ways of living into how we’ve done it for most of our lives. We discover yoga helps our body with flexibility, or that a diet with less gluten and more greens makes us feel better, or that a gratitude journal offers better payoffs than a resentment log. Other times, a moment of revelation like a personal or medical crisis causes us to revamp our lifestyle and make changes quickly.

However we get there, once we experience the benefits of healthy living, we want our partner to join us. Perhaps we’ve noticed the rewards we’re experiencing and begin to worry about our partner’s weight, stress levels, and overall health. One of the most difficult issues I see among couples is when they have lived in a certain way together for a long time and then one person "gets healthy," then tries to save the other by preaching the gospel of a healthy lifestyle. I promise you, this will not go over well.

One of the most dramatic couple sessions I ever experienced was with a couple who was referred to me by a physician. The man had suffered a coronary, and his doctor was worried he was not changing his lifestyle and was headed toward another heart attack. His wife had tried everything to help him change, and he was unwilling to even talk about it. When they came to the session, I could feel something new in her—a confidence and surrender that hadn't been there before.

She spoke slowly, without blame or anger: "I have been with you for 30 years, and I couldn’t love you more. I intended to spend my life with you, but I have come to a point where it may not be possible." Then she looked at him tenderly and firmly as she continued: "If you got hit by a car crossing the street and it wasn’t your fault, I would look after you forever. But if you have another heart attack because you are not following the doctor’s preventive guidelines, I will not. Do whatever you decide, but if you continue to smoke, eat the same way, and not exercise and this results in you becoming dependent on care, I will help you find a good solution, but it will not be me." There was no anger or blame as she spoke, just sadness and firmness. To my astonishment, he told her she was right and agreed to make the changes his physician had requested.

The decision to embrace a healthier lifestyle is often difficult. It demands strong motivation to turn away from foods that give instant energy and comfort, to replace a sedentary lifestyle with an active one, and to practice mindfulness, meditation, and gratitude when our society envisions competitiveness, going faster, and trying to get to the next thing as keys to success. So before you sell the grill, sign your partner up for a kickboxing class, or enroll them in a fitness program they didn’t ask for, remember that what really motivates us is empathy, appreciation, and invitation.