How To Get Over An Ex: 13 Steps To Make Sure You Take, From Experts

Parting ways with someone you've loved deeply and envisioned a future with is so profoundly heartbreaking that the devastation has inspired countless works of art, songs, cinema, and literature. Yet, finding a way to ease the heartbreak and pain remains a challenge. 

Getting over an ex is an emotionally taxing process. It's not just about letting go of someone who was a significant part of your life; it's also about grappling with a future you hadn't planned for. As therapist Erika Pranzo, LPC, points out, you're not just losing a partner; you are also losing your identity as a partnered individual and the life you were hoping to build.

And as psychotherapist Alana Durand, LMSW, further explains, the psychology of a breakup is the psychology of grief. "You're grieving not just the loss of the person but the loss of yourself at a moment in time. The person you were with a partner, with this partner, will inevitably be different from the person you become without this partner. This is universally true regardless of who ended the relationship or how the relationship ended."

Moreover, even the disillusionment and the pain of shattered dreams are not enough to turn off the love we continue to feel for our ex. Ending a relationship doesn't instantly end the feelings we've nurtured. The love lingers, refusing to be so easily dismissed.

"Love doesn't always fade immediately. It's essential to acknowledge these emotions but also recognize the importance of accepting the reality of the breakup to facilitate personal growth and healing," says licensed professional counselor, therapist, and writer Marissa Moore, LPC.

These emotions are not a weakness but a testament to the depth and sincerity of the relationship. We move on not by erasing the past or the shared emotions but by working through these complex feelings—and the process is as unique as the individuals involved.

"Recovering from a breakup can be an intensely personal and varied experience, often contingent on the nature of the relationship, individual coping mechanisms, and the support system available," Niloufar Esmaeilpour, MSc, founder of Lotus Therapy & Counselling Centre, tells mindbodygreen. 

"The trick to finding your way forward is to stop trying so hard. Grief is so painful that we often want to toss it away like a hot potato—something that never works," Durand notes. 

In the desperation to block out old memories and overcome your longing for an ex, you may find yourself repressing your emotions, both the love and the hurt. Sadly, repression is a temporary solution. It may give you momentary relief, but all those unresolved emotions and abandoned thoughts are simply waiting for an opportune moment to flood back in, and when they do, you may find yourself more unprepared than ever.

"The day you allow yourself to name your grief and sit with it without judgment is the day that you start to move forward," Durand explains, adding, "It might seem counterintuitive, but acknowledging your feelings of both loss and love is often the quickest way to get over an ex."

Research1 shows that continued contact between ex-partners can cause psychological distress, and another study found that such contact can also impact the quality of current relationships that an individual may have with a new partner. 

To forget them, you must loosen the ties that bind you to your ex. Don't hang out with mutual acquaintances and friends. Avoid people who may remind you of your ex or want to discuss them. Clean up your environment of all visible reminders of your time together. Remove all photos and other mementos and either throw them away or store them somewhere hidden, preferably a place you rarely use.

According to clinical psychologist Harpreet K. Chattha, Ph.D., there's often an increase in social media activity after breakups. "This can be a way for some to stay informed about their ex or send implicit messages to their ex through posts. This activity keeps a person thinking about their ex when it's more in their interest to focus on taking care of themselves and healing," she says.

Unfollow your former partner on social media or restrict their content from showing up on your feed. Continual reminders can hinder your emotional recovery. Offline, i.e., in real life as well, you must avoid all contact with your ex, or your emotional wounds will never fully heal. 

Netflix can be a good escape when emotions are running high, but too much screen time can be depressing in its own right. So, to aid your recovery, indulge in activities that bring a smile to your face and make you feel alive—anything from a decadent massage to long hours of yoga and meditation.

Unlike bingeing content, these activities are not mere distractions; they are acts of self-love that will cleanse your energy and revitalize your soul. 

"The fastest way to get over an ex that you still love is to think about yourself," explains Daniel Boscaljon, Ph.D., research director and co-founder of the Institute for Trauma-Informed Relationships. "Make a plan, once a month, to do something new and different. This can give you something you can look forward to that is not connected to the lost future of the former relationship," he adds.

The end of a relationship can be damaging to an individual's self-concept. One study2 even found that failing to reestablish a robust self-identity post-breakup can lead to poorer well-being and continued feelings of love for an ex. Therefore, you must work on repairing your self-worth and view yourself as a complete entity in your own right. 

"Identify the qualities in yourself that need to be addressed, improved, and strengthened. Use this opportunity to strengthen your sense of who you are, with or without a love interest," suggests author and relationship coach Nancy Landrum, M.A.

Meet yourself as you would a new friend. Embark on a journey of self-discovery. Place yourself in new, unfamiliar situations to uncover unknown facets of your character and personality. Maybe sign up for jujitsu or try some extreme sport. The adrenaline of such activities and the element of danger can bring a novel excitement to your life.

The process of getting over an ex can be lonely. Instead of rebounding with a random hookup or drowning in alcohol, consider a night out or a leisurely brunch with old friends. Romantic partners often monopolize our time, inadvertently creating distance from others, so take the opportunity to rekindle old friendships. 

As much of a loss as it is, the end of a relationship also sets you free. A unique kind of liberation comes from embracing your newfound singlehood. It's an opportunity to reconnect with your desires, passions, and dreams, often sidelined in a romantic relationship.

As AASECT-certified sex educator Suzannah Weiss tells mindbodygreen, "Some people talk about a post-breakup glow that people have after a breakup because they are enjoying being single, they feel free, and the problems of their previous relationship are no longer weighing them down. She believes that for someone to experience this post-breakup glow, they must dive headfirst into being single. 

Do all those things that your partner was never interested in doing, and when you go out, dress up to your own delight. Flirt with people you find attractive. Make new friends. Eat delicious, exotic food. Take aimless walks. Seek out new experiences.

"If you can find enjoyment in being single, that is a sign you are moving forward," adds Weiss.

The future you imagined with your ex may no longer be viable, but you can take this opportunity to re-envision a new future for yourself. By setting fresh goals and aspirations, you give yourself something positive to focus on and work toward. It is an empowering step toward redefining your life's trajectory on your own terms. 

As part of the process, you can self-reflect and think back to anything you may have given up for the sake of your relationship. It may be time to pursue those forgotten goals. As you work toward these objectives, you'll find that the memories and the pull toward the past relationship gradually diminish. 

The body and the mind are closely linked, so when you feel good in the body, your mind will also feel healthy. Exercise can help in that direction. It releases endorphins in the brain, relaxes your muscles, and relieves tension and stress in the body. 

"Your body's endorphins make great antidepressants," Treva Brandon Scharf, ICF-certified relationship coach and author, explains, recommending starting an exercise program as soon as possible.

Every relationship ends for a reason, and often that reason justifies the pain of that ending. Understanding why letting go of your ex was ultimately for your own good can help you find clarity and closure. It allows you to see the breakup not as a failure but as a natural progression of life, where some paths diverge for the better.

A study4 from the journal Emerging Adulthood has confirmed the same, finding that understanding the reasons for breakup led to lower psychological issues, reduced romantic conflict, and higher relationship satisfaction and competence later in life.

"Reflect on the relationship to understand what worked and what didn't," Esmaeilpour recommends. However, she cautions against assigning blame or dwelling excessively over what could have been. The focus should be on learning from the experience, acknowledging the incompatibilities, and understanding the circumstances that led to the relationship's conclusion.

Pour all your anguish and heartbreak on paper. There is extensive research5 that shows the therapeutic benefits of writing about one's pain and trauma, highlighting its ability to decrease anxiety and other symptoms of depression significantly. In fact, narrative expressive writing has been known to have a positive physiological impact as well. 

You can also write letters to your ex. Whether sent or consigned to the bin later, these letters can offer a safe space to convey all your unspoken thoughts and unexpressed feelings. "This cathartic exercise lets you articulate and release emotions, closing chapters in your heart and mind," Mitchell tells mindbodygreen.

A breakup-fueled makeover that results in an extreme haircut or a tattoo is always a bad idea, but making some little changes in yourself or your environment can signify a new beginning. It's about creating a fresh canvas in both your personal space and life.

Consider starting with your surroundings. Weiss recommends redoing your room.

Rearranging your furniture, adding some new décor, or even just decluttering can significantly alter the energy of your space, making it feel new and disconnected from past memories. This physical transformation can reflect and reinforce the internal changes you are striving for.

If the pain persists, lean on your loved ones. Talking to a trusted friend or family member can provide immense comfort and relief. It can bring to light all the hidden pain and anguish with someone sharing the burden. An outside perspective can also help make sense of your struggles. According to Esmaeilpour, social connections remind individuals that they are valued and not alone in their journey.

Going further, Boscaljon recommends treating the breakup as a step toward a more emotionally mature and resilient self. "A breakup can be one of the most traumatic things to recover from in our adult lives, but when handled properly, it can also be one of the few things that can help people heal from past issues." It's an opportunity to face and work through existing issues and past pain that may have surfaced as a result of the relationship's end. 

As you miss your ex, you may find yourself reliving old moments and memories, and due to the emotionality of your situation, they may seem more beautiful and poignant. It's crucial, however, to resist romanticizing the relationship or idealizing your ex. Remember, if the relationship had really been perfect, you wouldn't be trying to get over your ex now.

Romanticizing the past can create an imaginary standard, making it impossible to appreciate new connections and potential partners, comparing them to a glorified phantom that never truly existed.

Boscaljon recommends compassionate detachment, suggesting that it's possible to maintain a sense of warmth and care for your ex while accepting the growing distance.

Meanwhile, Pranzo cautions against putting your ex on a pedestal. "We often look at our exes with rose-colored glasses. Remember that they are human, with their own flaws and imperfections, just like everyone else."

If you notice these signs in your behavior, find comfort in knowing that you're making steady progress, and soon the pain you feel will be reduced to a dull ache. However, if you feel that the struggle is not over yet, remember that healing unfolds in its own time, so be patient and remember that each individual's journey is unique.

As Durand reminds us, "Grief is not something we overcome but rather integrate into our self-understanding." Use tools like journaling, talk therapy, and other helpful techniques to navigate your feelings without being overwhelmed by them. "Turn pain into perspective," Durand encourages, adding, "It feels like the end, and in some ways it is: an end to one chapter but also the beginning of the next."

"It's not just about getting over someone; it's about healing your heart, rediscovering who you are, and redefining your future," clarifies Samantha Saunders, licensed professional counselor.

Additionally, Weiss recommends jumping back into the dating scene as soon as possible. "You can still be grieving when you start dating again. Sometimes, seeing who else is out there lets us know there is hope for our future," she adds.

Every person we love leaves an imprint on us, shaping the fabric of our character. Cherish the good memories, and consider the pain of the breakup simply another one of life's tests that, once over, will add strength and steel to your spine.

Most importantly, remember you are loved, and your worth is not defined by any relationship. If the love you continue to feel for your ex keeps pulling you back toward your past, be patient with yourself. Healing isn't a race; it's a journey. It's OK to have bad days; what matters most is that you keep moving forward. Each day brings you closer to a renewed sense of self, a world filled with new opportunities, and experiences meant just for you.