How To Fight Loneliness With Wisdom, According To A Neuropsychiatrist

Humans are social creatures. We seek and need the company of others—family, friends, even strangers. This is a constant. But life is not, except in the sense that it constantly changes over time. And when our social circumstances change, sometimes we find ourselves feeling lonely and isolated.

Loneliness is not necessarily a product of physical isolation. Many people manage their lives just fine despite minimal interaction with others. They are alone but not lonely, which is a subjective feeling, a matter of perspective and desire. Loneliness is distress caused by feeling alone, even in a crowd. It's the difference between what you think you have and what you think you want.

But age can bring wisdom, which is the great antidote to loneliness3.

Here are some of my observations about ways to use wisdom to combat loneliness, all based on rigorous, empirical evidence published in peer-reviewed scientific journals:

The first step toward feeling less lonely is to recognize that you are feeling lonely and think about why you feel that way4. This requires self-reflection, an uncompromising look at your behaviors, actions, and the world around you. What situations make you feel lonely? On the other hand, what things have you done to make those situations better or to eliminate them altogether? Before we can address an issue, we have to understand its origins.

It's wise to remember everyone has problems and challenges. Aloof or bad behavior by others may be an unintended side effect of their own struggles and not truly directed at you. What can you do to ease their pain? Do something nice for them, and it will be paid back in kindness. That is compassion. 

There are two important categories of compassion to keep in mind: compassion toward others and compassion toward yourself. Self-compassion is learning how not to be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes. We all live and learn. Remember: Loneliness isn't a failure of personality.

The way I see it, spirituality isn't religion—atheists can be spiritual. To me, spirituality5 means having a constant connection to something or someone that may sound abstract to others–whether you call that entity soul, consciousness, nature, or god—that is always there. It may come from engaging in meditation or an activity like tai chi or yoga. It could even be communing with nature. 

"I've accepted the aging process," one senior participant in our study told me. "I'm not afraid of it. I used to climb mountains. I want to keep moving, even if I have to crawl." The good news, I believe, is this kind of attitude ensures there will be others beside you—helping you stand, walk, run, and climb.