Our relationship with our parents or caregiver creates an "attachment style"—a blueprint for how we handle close relationships later.

Understanding how they are formed, and how they manifest in our adult relationships, is vitally important if you want to grow as a person and in your relationships.

As young kids, we unconsciously tend to assume our parents' failings must be about us because, for a while at least, our parents are our role models.

We're hardwired to idolize them for the first few years of life because we have to rely on them for every aspect of our survival.

That's why we may blame ourselves rather than them for some of our disappointments or for problems in the family that actually have little to do with us. It can be hard on our self-worth.

Not all parents realize that just being physically present isn't enough, although it's a fine start.

Love is essentially a form of focused and generous presence—a special kind of authentic engagement.

Love is the highest-quality presence of the heart and it's a gift that builds self-esteem.

When someone in your childhood consistently indicates that you are worthy and good enough just the way you are, this becomes a part of your reality as your sense of identity develops.

While being physically present as much as you are able is important in parenting, it isn't enough without emotional presence, engagement, and an interested connection.

Low self-worth early in life can lead to inadvertently choosing paths that erode our self-worth even further as we get older. Inexperience combined with intense need is a volatile cocktail.

Seeking love yet not having reliable indicators of what it feels like to be loved well makes you vulnerable to quick-and-dirty fixes of love that end up making things worse.

For example, some seek love vehemently, then run when it's returned or becomes intense because it feels dangerous to let someone get too close.

Insecure or ambivalent attachment styles lend themselves to self-defeating patterns of trying to love while defending a heart that feels vulnerable.

Alternatively, the consistent affirmation of your innate worthiness to be seen and heard serves as a platform on which to build your emerging impression of yourself.

Unfortunately, many people don't receive sufficient or consistent engagement to help them feel acceptable and worthy in themselves as they reach adolescence and beyond.

It can take patience to stumble upon the things you love and the zone where you're brilliant, where time melts away into bliss.

If your self-talk, meaning the way you talk to yourself in your head, tends to be harsh and critical, it's essential to become aware of this and to start infusing some new ideas.

If you're hard on yourself, ask yourself whether you'd speak to someone else that way. Would it help a child to grow in self-esteem if you spoke to them the way you speak to yourself in your head?

Insight means realizing why things worked out as they did, why you are how you are, why they were how they were. It's not about making excuses for anyone.

If you struggle with insecure or avoidant attachment, you’re not alone. 

Changing your attachment style is not easy, but it’s not impossible. These five tips above are a few ways to help get you started loving more securely.