This 3-Step Method Will Help You Deal With Regrets In A Healthy Way

According to New York Times bestselling author Daniel Pink, a "no regrets" philosophy is a nonsensical, and frankly unhealthy, way to live. "What I'm trying to do is get rid of the idea that we should be relentlessly positive all the time, that we should ignore anything that's negative, and that we should relentlessly look forward," he says on this episode of the mindbodygreen podcast. Rather, regrets can be pretty valuable if you treat them properly: As Pink discusses in his most recent book, titled The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward, learning from your mistakes can help you clarify what you value, make better decisions, and solve problems faster in the future. 

The first step, Pink says, is to reframe how you talk to yourself whenever you're faced with a regret. "The way we talk to ourselves is brutal," he says. "Most of us would never talk to another human being the way we talk to ourselves." When you make a mistake, it's so easy to tear yourself down, but Pink suggests implementing some self-compassion. It sounds cliché, but truly everyone makes mistakes—yet we tend to give others way more grace than we give ourselves. 

Next, reach outward by vocalizing your regrets. "Disclosing our regrets unburdens them," he says. You might think that people will think less of you if you disclose your vulnerabilities, but it's important to get the words out of your head and into the atmosphere (or on paper, if you're partial to journaling or letter-writing). 

Once you make sense of a regret, you're finally ready to draw lessons from it. "And the way we draw lessons from it is by getting some remove from it," notes Pink. In fact, research shows that "self-distancing" techniques can help you move forward faster. "The research shows very clearly that we're pretty bad at solving our own problems. We're better at solving other people's problems," says Pink. "So on some level, treat yourself like somebody else." For example, talk to yourself in the third person and create a narrative around what you have learned and how you'll grow from the experience.