How To Deal When Your Partner's Fantasy Turns You Off

One of the great mysteries of fantasy is that we don’t know why certain things are a turnoff and others are the opposite. We don’t understand the preferences of others or ourselves. Sure, we can examine the biography of a person, but fundamentally we are in the dark.

Children may playact that they are in jail. But if they were in jail, they wouldn’t be playing as a prisoner. Fantasy is play; it is not reality, and it is not what we want in the cold light of day.

So, why do we have fantasies that aren't in alignment with what we want in reality? My colleague Michael Bader aptly said that a good fantasy states the problem and offers the solution. In other words, whatever cultural obstacles or prohibitions you encounter in life you are allowed to explore in the realm of your imagination.

If you ask someone their private turn-on and they open up, they're inviting you into their secret garden. If you are openly disgusted, you are effectively slamming the gate and running off into the wilderness. By closing off the conversation or reacting with disgust, we induce shame and guilt in the other.

The erotic mind is very sensitive to censorship, and it knows when it needs to go into hiding. Someone may promise never to have these thoughts or voice them again, but you can’t eradicate someone’s preferences because you don’t like them.

I have a friend who doesn’t understand why people like to eat pickled octopus. Like taste, fantasy can induce the ick factor for others. But instead of turning away with revulsion and worrying about the implications of a partner’s fantasy, I encourage you to remain curious.

A woman once told me about her partner’s fantasy of being seduced in a clothing store changing room by the attendant. His fantasy made her feel inadequate and cuckolded: Why did he have to imagine another woman? But when they tried playing out the fantasy at home, with her playing the attendant, she found that there was pleasure to be had in playing out fantasy. She could bring her own imagination to it so that they both owned the game. Taste, like our palate as we grow from children to adults, can evolve and change. Be open to trying new flavors—you may find something you like.