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How To Deal If You & Your Partner Sleep At Different Sleep Temperatures
What do you get when you match a cold sleeper and a hot sleeper? More often than not, kicking, sheet-pulling, and a whole lot of restless nights.
While sharing the bed helps some couples sleep better, 25-33% of people1 say it gets in the way of their snooze. Along with mismatched sleep schedules and snoring, temperature preferences are known to drive a wedge between couples who split a sleep space.
If you and your partner can't agree on where to set the thermostat, consider this your guide to sleeping soundly.
How sleep impacts intimacy and relationships
If you and your partner aren't compatible in the sleep department, that's not to say your relationship is doomed. However, it's something you'll want to pay attention to and work through as a couple, as research shows that sleep problems and relationship problems2 tend to go hand in hand (especially during stressful or transitional times of life).
There are a few reasons this could be the case. When you're sleep-deprived, you're more likely to act stressed3, irritable4, and reactive5 the next day, making connecting with your partner more challenging. Couples who struggle to sleep together might also spend less quality time with each other before bed, potentially derailing intimacy.
"As a society, we tend to think of sleep loss and sleepiness as personal problems, but the consequences of poor sleep go well beyond the individual, affecting our closest relationships," sleep researcher and sleep therapist Wendy Troxel, Ph.D., writes in Sharing the Covers: Every Couple's Guide to Better Sleep.
However, she notes, "With all the things that can go wrong in your relationship when you skimp on sleep, there is an upshot to this feedback loop between the quality of your sleep and the quality of your relationship." That is, taking small steps to improve sleep as a couple can ladder up not only to a stronger snooze—but a stronger partnership.
Hacks to help hot sleepers and cold sleepers cohabitate
Some people are hotter sleepers than others due to hormonal status (i.e., if they're having their period or going through menopause), illness, or just their natural body temperature. If your sleep partner is a furnace and you're an ice cube, or vice versa, these tips should help you both sleep more soundly in the same space.
Strategically place fans and space heaters
Try pointing a fan at the hotter sleeper's side of the bed—it will help them stay cool, and the soft background noise could be beneficial for both of you. Conversely, cold sleepers could snuggle up near a small space heater. You'll also want to think about where you both sleep in relation to air conditioners, vents, and radiators. Consider switching sides or moving the bed to better situate yourselves to your room's temperature zones.
Invest in a split king mattress
You'll want to replace your mattress every five to 10 years. The next time you're due for an update, consider which type of mattress will best bridge the thermal divide. Split models, which are essentially two beds in one, allow you to control your side's firmness and in some cases, temperature.
Divvy up the covers and pillows
If you're not ready to shell out for a new mattress, using the Scandinavian sleep method can deliver similar results. Sleep with two different sets of blankets and/or duvets—a lighter set and a heavier set. This way, you'll each have your own blankets you can snuggle up to (or kick off the bed) without disrupting your partner.
Choose the right pillow for your side of the bed too
Those who run hot will want to look for more breathable, moisture-wicking pillow materials like wool or shredded latex, while colder sleepers should opt for solid memory foam.
Pay attention to pajamas
Polyester doesn't do hot sleepers any favors. To prevent night sweats, opt for more breathable natural materials like cotton, linen, hemp, and silk—or just skip the PJs altogether.
When in doubt, go cold
Cooler temperatures—in the 65-degree-Fahrenheit range—are more conducive to sleep for most people. As holistic psychiatrist and sleep expert Ellen Vora, M.D., previously told mindbodygreen, the body's core temperature dips slightly as we prepare for bed, and keeping a chillier bedroom helps facilitate this shift. It's hard to argue with human physiology, so when in doubt, set your bedroom to be cold.
Cut your losses and consider sleeping apart
If your partner has a sleep disorder or a wildly different sleep schedule that makes it impossible for you to sleep deeply most nights, it may be time to discuss sleeping in separate beds, at least temporarily. Getting a "sleep divorce" (we really need a new phrase for this) is not a sign that your relationship isn't working. Instead, it can be an investment in your partnership that helps you both feel more present and energized with each other. Here's a guide to broaching the topic with your partner, with tips on how to maintain physical intimacy once you no longer share a bed.
The takeaway
Once you're in a relationship, sleep becomes a joint effort. Having different sleep preferences doesn't mean you and your partner are incompatible—but it does mean that you'll need to work a little harder to create a bedroom environment that's comfortable for both of you. Try out these tips to get closer to a match made in sleep heaven.
