A Therapist On Communicating Smartly With A Partner 

Here are six rules of "smart speaking" to help you initiate a conversation that will ensure the best outcome for both of you: 

Before you speak, become aware of your emotions because they'll speak loudly and clearly through your facial expressions, body language, and the look in your eyes. If you're not aware of your own emotions, you won't be aware of the nonverbal messages you are sending to your partner. Always take a moment to take in a mindful breath before speaking. Pause.

When you are going to talk about something that has a lot of "energy," whether sharing good news or feeling upset, you need to check in with where the other person is emotionally. Don't assume your partner is able to meet your need for a particular kind of conversation at any particular time. This begins by noticing the nonverbal cues, such as their facial expression, body language, and eye contact, and then actually checking in.

Give your partner a chance to accept or decline your invitation to a significant discussion. If your partner says no, then wait for an appropriate time over the next day or so for an invitation to such a discussion. When your partner isn't receptive, don't push.

Always begin a conversation with respect and a sense of goodwill, even if you're upset. If you begin with an interrogation, an angry expression, or a loud voice, the other person will automatically go into self-protection mode against whatever you go on to say. You might even say, "I'm feeling a lot of anger," but rather than add "because of you," you might follow up with a statement about yourself, such as, "I'm really angry right now, and I know some of it is more about me than you. Maybe I'll take a walk before we talk."

By contrast, a complaint is descriptive and specific, avoids words such as "always" or "never," and doesn't label the person's character. Ideally, it includes an invitation to brainstorm about alternatives. An example of a complaint: "This is the second year you have forgotten my birthday. Birthdays matter to me, and I wonder if we can talk about a way for you to remember it next year."

Arming yourself with these skills before confronting someone you love can help ensure your needs are accounted for while still being sensitive to your partner's emotions.