How To Improve Communication In Your Relationships

We've likely all heard that trite little truism by now: Communication is key to a healthy relationship.

But let's be real for a second. What does it actually mean to communicate well in a relationship? And if you're someone who knows (or has been told) you lack communication skills, how do you actually learn how to fix communication in a relationship?

Communicating well in a relationship means that you and your partner are able to have open conversations about all the things you need, want, and feel in ways that (1) allow both people to feel fully understood and cared for and (2) continue to nurture the relationship.

"The idea is to develop a shared safe space that's based on mutually agreed upon, nonjudgmental understanding and vulnerability," clinical psychologist Jennifer Guttman, Psy.D., previously told mbg. "By doing this, you will create healthy reciprocity and a loving language that maintains mutual respect in your relationship."

Couples with good communication skills directly tell each other about their fears and frustrations rather than hiding how they truly feel out of fear of judgment or causing division. But the key is that they're able to communicate those tougher feelings without hurting each other or negatively impacting the relationship in the process.

People struggle to communicate in relationships for many reasons, with some of the most common being wanting to avoid conflict, struggling with vulnerability, and being generally uncomfortable with self-expression due to earlier life experiences.

"Fear is often the main reason we don't engage in many of these conversations," marriage therapist Maria G. Sosa, LMFT, previously told mbg. "We fear that if we bring things up, there's a possibility that the differing viewpoints will create division and lead to the end of the relationship."

But this is flawed thinking, she notes. "The reality is the real end begins the moment we start avoiding and sweeping these hard conversations under the rug." We know lack of communication erodes relationships because partners are no longer connecting fully with each other, instead interacting on the surface level.

Couples' therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, recommends couples have an actual conversation where they talk about…well, how they want to talk to each other. Specifically, she recommends talking about how you want to handle disagreements as a couple, how you want to start those conversations, and what you'll do if the conversation gets too heated.

Make transparency the norm in your relationship, says Guttman. "Create a sustainable pattern of being honest, staying connected, and remaining open to each other. Focus on getting issues out in the open rather than repressing them out of fear of conflict," she recommends, adding, "Harboring issues under the surface only fuels resentment and compounds problems."

Avoid raising your voice to the best of your abilities. We all get carried away sometimes, but make it a goal of yours to be caring and gentle toward your partner even when you're upset with them.

Criticism is one of the so-called four horsemen of the apocalypse, which are four communication habits that have been found to predict divorce. "Criticism is the act of noticing a problem within your life or the relationship and turning it into a commentary of your partner's character trait flaws," Earnshaw writes. "You can catch yourself using criticism when you say the words 'always' or 'never' when describing something your partner does or doesn't do."

If your partner is the one bringing up an issue to you, don't jump right into defending yourself or trying to explain your point of view.

"Listen to what they're saying, and make sure that you understand it, from their perspective," licensed couples' counselor Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., CST, tells mbg. "Don't stop until you can get in their shoes and see it from their worldview. Do this before you start constructing your response."

The way you see a situation and the way your partner sees a situation don't need to line up for you to show empathy for them.

For example, if your partner feels upset when you don't text them back fast enough, whereas you think it's OK to take a few hours to respond to someone because you don't check your phone that often, no one needs to be "right." You can acknowledge that your partner has a different perspective on texting, and if you had that same viewpoint, you would also be upset about long periods without hearing from your partner.

It's natural for us to get upset in a tense conversation, but it's important to be able to manage our emotions without taking them out on our partners.

"Work toward being able to settle yourself down and tend to your own reactivity. This is going to take practice, but mastering difficult conversations includes regulating your own emotional state," says Zimmerman. "If you get triggered or escalated, it's your job to notice that and do what you need to do to regain control."

Inevitably, tensions will boil over, and arguments will break out. We're humans. However, when these things happen, it's vital to notice them and then make an effort to repair the damage that's done as soon as possible.

Part of learning how to communicate better is being more in touch with your own emotions, so you're better able to articulate them to your partner.

"Allow yourself to notice how you feel in different situations, tune in to your body, and practice saying how you genuinely feel about things out loud," licensed couples' therapist Alicia Muñoz, LPC, previously told mbg. "It can be surprisingly powerful to say, 'I feel angry toward my sister' or 'I feel scared of being alone' because often, we don't even allow ourselves to be vulnerable with ourselves."

From there, you can practice telling your partner how you really feel about things that happen to you, she says, including things that have nothing to do with them. This will help you build up your ability to better express yourself.

Learning how to fix communication issues in a relationship will take time. It's easy to read a list of tips on how to communicate better and nod along, but in the heat of an actual argument, many of those insights go flying out the window. Give yourself grace, and simply work on catching yourself in the moment when poor communication habits rear their head. Once you notice that's happened, collect yourself, apologize to your partner, and try again.

If your partner is a poor communicator, it can be helpful to open up a conversation about it outside of an actual conflict. It's much harder to accept feedback about your tone or communication techniques at the moment when you are already upset and feeling under attack.

So, at a time when things are warm and open between you, let your partner know that you''d like to have a conversation about the way the two of you communicate with each other. Let them know the type of communication you'd like to have in the relationship, being sure to avoid criticism and instead focusing on what you're wanting from them.

It can help to explain why certain adjustments would help you. For example, "It's harder for me to process what you're saying when you start raising your voice because I start to feel quite activated."

Make sure to ask your partner about things you might be able to improve on, too. Come up with a plan for how you can ground yourselves in these guidelines when a conflict comes up, whether that means pausing in the moment to recalibrate or having a debrief session after arguments to talk about how you could've improved your communication during it.

Many people struggle with communicating with partners because it's not something that's commonly taught. People typically emulate what they saw growing up, and if they've had bad experiences being shut down or rejected in response to talking about feelings, they'll likely begin to develop communication issues in their future relationships.