4 Ways To Care For Your Inner Child When You're Home For The Holidays

As we grow up, we absorb and program information that we will call on for the rest of our lives. During the formative years of zero to 8, we form patterns that influence how we react to others, how we feel about ourselves, and when we go into fight/flight/freeze mode.

When we get back with our family members as adults, that programming can kick in to the extreme. As many of us have likely experienced, it can be hard to not feel like the kid version of yourself again as soon as you see your parents. (Sorry, Mom and Dad.) If you grew up in a challenging environment, going home for the holidays can feel downright high-stakes.

Pregames aren't just for sports. When a friend of mine had to see very challenging family members for a funeral, I told her to prepare like she was training for the mental health Olympics. You wouldn't expect to do well at a marathon without training, and you can't expect to feel good seeing challenging family without upping your self-care beforehand.

One helpful practice is to make a list of any worries or concerns you have. Worried your dad is going to ask you to explain exactly why you bought that car? Concerned you won't get any downtime? Write all of that down.

When you're done, take a breath and put your hand on your heart. This is a very effective way of coming back to your body and bringing your inner adult online. Once you're in the right headspace (which is really a heart space, #sorrynotsorry), talk to your inner child about the feeling underneath the concerns on the page. It may feel awkward at first, and you don't have to do it out loud. But the truth is we all talk to ourselves anyway, so why not make it a consciously validating conversation?

Throughout it, make sure that you are talking to your inner child with compassion and concern. You aren't talking your inner child out of their feelings; you're validating them. And yes, all their feelings are valid. That doesn't mean you have to do everything your inner child wants, but hearing them will help calm you down.

Mindfulness is half the battle with any kind of relational issues but especially when we slip into old dynamics that haven't been supportive. You can't fix what you don't see, and it's very easy to not see family patterns that have been at play since you were born.

Your first step is noticing when you feel any kind of charged reaction. Say you find yourself flying into a rage when your mom asks you to take out the garbage. Before you may have stuffed down the reaction, but now try to notice the feeling with curiosity and think, Hmm that's interesting, I just got really angry. I wonder what that's about. It's important to not judge yourself here because that will skew the information. If you think, What's my (expletive) problem? All she asked was for me to take out the garbage, your inner child won't feel safe enough to deliver a helpful answer.

No, this does not mean ignoring your boundaries. No, your sister is still not allowed to pull you aside to talk about your kid's diet and how Trix really shouldn't be for kids. But it does mean that you stop trying to change her.

After the gathering, it's time to ask yourself, How you feeling, boo? (That’s actually what I call my inner child, believe it or not). This post-check is an important time to allow your inner child to feel heard. It will also help you avoid carrying resentment from the holidays around with you.

As you check in with boo (admit it, you like the name!), mentally review one triggering event at a time. If you find yourself getting upset all over again, that's a sign you have merged with your inner child. Take a breath, put your hand on your heart, and do your best to get back into feeling the compassion of the inner adult. Whenever you are in that place, ask your inner child what they need from you now.