7 Ways To Be More Vulnerable With Your Partner (Even If It's Hard For You)

We hear it all the time: Relationships require you to “be vulnerable” with each other.

It’s said so often that it’s almost become background noise in the world of dating advice, alongside other trite truisms like “communication is key” and “relationships take hard work.”

In relationships, being vulnerable is the act of showing someone exactly who you are and how you feel without disguise, bravado, or ego defenses, exposing yourself to the possibility of hurt or rejection.

“Being vulnerable means we make a conscious decision not to hide ourselves,” explains licensed couples therapist Alicia Muñoz, LPC. “This is risky because we can't control how others will respond to us. It means others see who we truly are, and if they aren't able to take us in, or appreciate our complexity, and they judge or reject us, it hurts deeply.”

To help understand what vulnerability looks like in practice, Muñoz offers the example of how babies handle emotions:

“Being vulnerable with someone means risking being your true self. For babies, this is easy. They're effortlessly themselves. They feel sad and they cry. They feel happy and they smile. They experience pain and they flinch, gasp, or whimper. They're afraid and they seek soothing and comfort. Babies haven't yet learned to hide themselves or what they feel. As our brains get more sophisticated, and we experience losses and disappointments, and develop a sense of ourselves as separate from others, we learn to present ourselves to the world the way we want to be perceived. We learn to hide ourselves. When we feel sad, we laugh. When we feel scared, we act indifferent. When we feel jealous, we tell people we're happy for them.”

As Muñoz points out, people begin to struggle with vulnerability because they fear getting hurt—typically in the form of other people’s rejection, judgment, or betrayal. We may begin to put on a brave face, act indifferent, suppress emotions, or step into a role meant to protect ourselves from these risks.

In order to show people your true self, you need to know your true self.

This starts with getting to know yourself “behind your default attitudes,” says Muñoz. “Notice your knee-jerk reactions when something positive or negative happens. Ask yourself, ‘If I didn't hide behind this reaction, is there more going on here for me?’”

She recommends checking out an emotions wheel and using it (frequently!) to identify what emotions are coming up for you throughout the day.

Once you’re more in touch with your own emotions, start communicating them to others. “Practice telling people how you really feel about things, even if it seems silly,” Muñoz recommends.

The truth is, part of being vulnerable is accepting the risk of getting hurt. That means we can’t always wait for a situation where we’re perfectly safe or know for certain that we won’t get judged or rejected.

“There's always a degree of risk involved when you're genuine and honest,” says Muñoz. “ven if we're vulnerable and it doesn't end up creating intimacy and connection, or it isn't received well, that's okay. Being vulnerable doesn't guarantee things will go your way in all your relationships.”

The fear of abandonment or getting hurt by others often stems from past experiences where that very thing happened. These are sometimes known as attachment issues, and it can help to explore these wounds with a mental health professional.

Asking your partner (or anyone) to give you their honest thoughts about you, your work, or your behavior is an intensely vulnerable act—but it’s also something that can lead to more intimacy and accountability in your relationships.

As sex and relationship coach Gigi Engle previously wrote for mbg, vulnerability in dating can simply look like prioritizing your truth. It isn’t just about pouring your heart out and telling them all your traumas from the past (though that can be part of it, eventually). You can start with something as small as being open about exactly what you want from a potential relationship, or simply getting radically honest with someone you’re going on a date with.

Last but not least, it’s important to remember that vulnerability isn’t about getting other people to like us more, or really getting anything out of others.

“We need to remember we're not being vulnerable to get people to act a certain way toward us,” says Muñoz. “It's not a tool of manipulation. It's a tool of liberation. We do it for ourselves.”

No matter how the situation plays out after you open yourself up, know that you’ve already benefitted—because you showed up as your full self.