The 4 Points Of Balance For Holding On To Yourself In Relationships

When I work with couples, I'm often listening to their position within the relationship, and how they pull, provoke, or push one another off balance. Attachment is a dance, and the coordination that is required for enjoyable dancing is first and foremost an awareness of one's own dance steps and secondly an awareness of how your partner dances.

One of the core ways that we engage in relationships is by finding a balance between our need for connection and our need for separateness. A relationship where two people are enmeshed and share every aspect of life with each other isn't a healthy relationship, nor is a relationship with so much distance that people don't share anything with each other.

Too much closeness results in emotional symbiosis: when a person isn't able to comprehend another person's subjectivity and separateness. Emotional symbiosis, engulfment, merging, or fusion are all terms used to describe this relational phenomenon. Too much distance, on the other hand, can result in conflict, estrangement, loneliness, or what's sometimes known as invisible divorce, a term used to refer to a couple who is still legally married but no longer have romantic feelings for or intimacy with each other. There may be deep feelings of negativity, relationship trauma, and long-standing patterns of disconnection.

Just like with diet, exercise, work, and play, the most sustainable and healthy position in partnership is a balancing point between connection and separateness. However, this balance isn't an easy task between two people, mainly because partners often need different things when it comes to attachment. Balance requires awareness and intention, and without communication about needs and explicit negotiation of differences, couples often feel unbalanced.

As licensed clinical psychologist and couples therapist David Schnarch, Ph.D., writes in his book The Passionate Marriage, "Giving up your individuality to be together is as defeating in the long run as giving up your relationship to maintain your individuality. Either way, you end up being less of a person with less of a relationship."

The two central drives for human beings are autonomy (control of our individuality) and attachment (urge for relationship). Healthy maturation means that we are able to achieve both of these and balance them in our lives.

When entering into a relationship, it is not uncommon for some people to fear being engulfed, intruded upon, or controlled by another person. This style of relating is a result of early attachment, and often these individuals may display "distancing" behaviors or styles. You may recognize this style as an "avoidant" attachment style.

Other people may enter relationships with the fear of being abandoned or not receiving the commitment they need in order to feel safe and secure. This style is also a result of early development attachment and may result in "pursuer" behavior. You may recognize this style of relating as an "anxious" attachment style.

What is important to consider is that, for many people, they experienced both abandonment and intrusion in early development, and so their adult attachment experience may alternate between needing distance and needing closeness. Additionally, it is important to remember that our attachment styles are not fixed and can continue to develop as we develop relationships as adults.

In terms of this balance between autonomy and attachment, Schnarch's work on "the crucible four points of balance" offers excellent foundational touchstones for embodied individuality and creating meaningful relationships.