How To Apologize Well: 12 Do's & Don'ts, From Therapists

So, what do you do when you truly want to apologize to someone you've hurt? We spoke with two relationship experts to help us find those answers and offer suggestions to navigate this sometimes difficult emotional terrain.

Here are some signs that you may have done something that merits an apology without the person directly telling you, from Thompson and Luo: 

"Don't sugarcoat your mistake or beat around the bush. Say it directly," Luo recommends. Being direct reduces the possibility of further misunderstanding and makes sure you are both starting on the same page. And importantly, the most effective and genuine apologies are those that do not include excuses, rationalizations, or qualifiers.

"Use a natural tone and avoid giving the impression to the other person that you are just going through the motions," says Luo. As we all know, it isn't just what you say but how you say it that really makes a difference. Tone of voice is an important element of communication, and by being mindful and maintaining a neutral tone, you are more likely to convey sincerity in your apology.

Try to show genuine remorse when apologizing, says Thompson. "Speak from the heart. Show that you are remorseful." Being genuine communicates remorse, regret, understanding, and empathy. Being genuine also communicates that you truly believe you have done something wrong and feel sorry for the pain you've caused.

It is a common reaction to want to defend yourself by showing that you had good intentions, but what you intended rarely matters for the person affected. Luo says it may be useful to "explain your 'good' intentions without trying to justify your mistake"—though it's a tough line to toe. He advises against trying to explain yourself at all during the actual apology, as it can seem like you are not truly sorry.

There's an adage that says, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions," which means that even if you meant to do something in good faith, you can still end up doing damage or hurting another person through your actions.

Taking responsibility means acknowledging that you were truly at fault and that you are responsible for the hurt that the other person experienced. "Be accountable. Doing this acknowledges that your actions were hurtful or offensive and signals to the person that you understand the hurt you've caused and that you are remorseful," says Thompson.

"Be intentional about conversing using statements about yourself and how your actions, thoughts, behavior, etc., impacted the other party," Thompson advises. "Conversely, be careful not to use 'you' statements, which can put the other person on the defense and gives the impression you are 'blaming.'"

The five apology languages are expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely repenting, and requesting forgiveness. The "apology languages" is a framework that you can use to determine the best approach to apologizing. Understanding the apology language of the aggrieved person will help you apologize in a way they can process and more easily accept.

"In your apology, be sure to explain in what ways you plan to improve and/or what you will do to prevent this type of offense from happening again. This is what it means to truly make amends," advises Thompson.

People need time. When you are in the wrong and want to make it right, it is important to remember that things won't be rectified on your timeline but rather on the timeline of the person you hurt. Be patient.

Sometimes one apology won't be enough, says Luo. "How often to apologize depends on the nature of the mistake. Sometimes apologizing one time is not enough." However, no matter the number of times you choose to apologize, the intention behind the apology should be to bring healing and resolution to the person who was wronged—not just for you to receive forgiveness.

Luo points to the work of clinical psychologist Janis Abrahms-Spring, who says there are four types of forgiveness:

As an offender, you need to differentiate which type of forgiveness the offended party is conveying. Then, it is important to understand that it can take varying lengths of time for the person to forgive you, regardless of the kind of forgiveness they demonstrate. If the person affected refuses to forgive you, even if you have tried your best to seek forgiveness, you need to accept what happened and grieve what might be lost.

Forgiveness is a journey. It is a process that requires time, patience, determination, and grace. Forgiveness is also simply a mechanism to let go of anger and hurt; it does not necessarily mean reconciliation or that by apologizing, suddenly everything will be OK. However, apologizing is an important step in moving through conflict, getting on the road to forgiveness, and ideally ensuring your relationship can become healthy once more. Truly genuine apologies can make you better and grow as a person, and it can help the person receiving the apology begin to heal and move forward.