How I'm Surviving Pregnancy After Years Of Struggling With Fertility

As I write this, I look back at the last 29 weeks and wonder how I survived, what nuggets of wisdom I would pass on to another petrified survivor of these challenges who finds herself in the beautifully terrifying position of what comes next. After much cogitation, I realized there are four things that I wish I had heard before I saw that positive test:

Your confidence in your body is severely damaged, why would you not be skeptical and anxious? It's entirely possible to be full to the brim with gratitude while also feeling overwhelmingly scared. So when you find yourself doing your best to cope with those conflicting and exhausting emotions, cut yourself a break, drink your chamomile tea, get lost in your novel, take a brisk walk in the fresh air, and, for the love of God, please stay off the internet!

With your fractured relationship between mind and body, it so important that you invest your time with a practitioner that you are totally and completely comfortable with—who can help you nurture that relationship back to a healthy place. For me, this meant a group of midwives and a high-risk OB who work with IVF patients regularly. They answered my laundry list of excruciatingly detailed questions at every appointment, brought me in to hear the heartbeat whenever my anxiety was in the driver’s seat, and, most importantly, they never, ever made me feel high-maintenance or crazy. With their help, little by little, I began to notice a renewed appreciation of my body’s capabilities.

For my husband and me, restoring some of the intimacy that IVF robbed from us was a priority. For us, that meant taking Bradley classes in the hopes of a low-intervention, partner-coached, natural birth. Our 12 weeks of class were not only fun but remarkably educational, providing us with detailed knowledge surrounding the biological processes of pregnancy and birth, medical consumerism, holistic pain management techniques, and a plethora of labor suggestions and ideas. We have both agreed wholeheartedly that it was worth every dollar and hour spent.

I would be lying if I said I am cool as a cucumber now and feel totally confident in my pregnancy and my body’s ability to support my daughter as we head into the home stretch. Our pregnancy wasn’t easy or uncomplicated and certainly wasn’t without the constant reminder of what it took to get here, but more frequently these days, I find myself in a place where there is room for optimism, and I’m less paralyzed by the love I feel for the 2½-pound being my body is working overtime to create. So for me, that is success.