I'm Dating A Man 12 Years Younger. Here's How I Deal With Judgment

One early December, my boyfriend and I had our first date. Notice that I didn’t say we went out on a date, because I actually broke every dating rule out there, and invited him over to my house to watch a football game and share dinner. Also note that this was not because I had some notion that we would end up together long-term, but rather because I was embarrassed to be seen in public with him because of our age difference.

At the time, I thought that people would judge us and stare, or even worse, someone might mistake him for my son. In reality, strangers hardly know there is much of an age difference between us, and they're almost certainly unaware that the difference is about 12.5 years — an age gap that is taboo in our culture.

Before I realized the depth of others' judgments about our “taboo” relationship, I first had to get over my own insecurities about being with someone over a decade younger. I went through all of the issues in my head thinking, Why on earth would he want to be with me? I have wrinkles … I have cellulite. What could he see in me?

I am not a “cougar," the horrible label given to women who date younger men. When the roles are reversed and an older man dates a younger woman, the men are often congratulated and revered. What is the equivalent of "cougar" for a man who has a younger partner? (Correct: there isn’t one.)

So, after grappling with my own insecurities and the societal taboos, there were also the judgments of friends and family. At the beginning of our relationship, my friends were concerned that his age automatically revealed his readiness to have a long-term relationship and plan a future together. People in our lives also expressed the fear that if we were to stay together, we may never have a “normal” life.

And, although we've been together for more than a year and a half, live together, and are planning a future with one another, individuals still find it difficult to understand why we have chosen each other. My age has been a huge barrier for some to open their minds and hearts and get to know me simply as the person whom he loves.

My boyfriend and I are not immune to the effects of these judgments. We find ourselves talking about whether or not we should stay together or break up — simply because of the pressure put on us from hearing so many critical opinions about our relationship. We've had to ask if it's worth listening to other people’s opinions to potentially give up the best relationship we have both ever had.

It amazes me that even as the world seems to be progressing and we're now openly embracing many life choices, most of us still aren't comfortable with age differences in relationships. Ultimately, my boyfriend and I have concluded that our love is too deep, intense, and “once-in-a-lifetime” to let it go.

I have studied human behavior for years, and can pick up subtleties and nuances in people’s reactions and body language. When I read or see negative behavior toward me, I sometimes want to scream and cry. Moreover, I often want to hide away — to avoid family functions, social outings, and not have to face people eye to eye. But I know that hiding, crying and shouting does no good; I must show up as myself, courageously and yet graciously, and be the best person I can be.

For those of you reading: the next time you begin to judge a relationship that looks “different” because of age, race, disability, or something else, catch yourself and stop. Be a catalyst for change: start with yourself and aid others in shedding stereotypes.