What Couples Get Wrong About Mismatched Libidos & How To Actually Meet In The Middle

When it comes to talking about mismatched libidos, there can sometimes be a lot of shame ingrained in the conversation. Both low and high libidos can get a bad rep, but you know what? Our sex drives are far more complex than we realize.

Today, we're going to break down all the stigmas, give you the real libido facts, and share some helpful tidbits about what to do if you and a partner experience different sex drive levels. 

But let's start here: If you feel any shame at all about your libido, I'm here to tell you this—don't. You are valid, but you have likely been led astray. Your libido is not out to get you. You aren't weird. You aren't inhuman. You are a normal person with a normal libido, and we're going to break down why the hell you might be feeling otherwise about yours. 

Our sex drive, as you may have guessed, isn't as straightforward as it feels like it should be. Our libido is most generally referred to as our sexual appetite. Though, what we don't often realize is that this appetite can be affected by literally everything. 

Stressful day at work? Affects your libido. Get stuck in traffic? Affects your libido. Partner didn't ask you how your day was? Affects your libido. The house is messy before bedtime? Affects your libido. On antidepressants? Most likely affects your libido. There are endless possibilities!

Along with all of these possible influences, we also tend to think libido is like a light switch we can turn on and off. The reality is that there's actually so much more that goes into how we get turned on (or not).

First things first: We need to debunk our understanding of libido. Our culture makes it feel like if our libido is low, there is something wrong with us—or vice versa—especially if our partners experience the opposite. But this just isn't the case. We aren't taught that our libidos can be affected by our love languages not being met, our communication with our partners not being strong enough, the stresses of daily life, and literally whatever small or big thing you can think of.

So we should really redefine libido as something more unique to the individual because no two libidos are the same. Think of it instead as a sensual, physical feeling in the body when we feel present and aroused—emphasis on the word present.

People often misuse the word libido a lot when they are actually referring to desire. Desire is what spikes our libido, and it can come from a combination of, well, everything.

Let me frame it like this: Yes, we allosexual humans are inherently sexual beings— that's true. But it's highly uncommon that daily stressors won't affect our desire. No matter how much we love our partners and may want to have sex with them, our desire can be easily affected by our kids, family, jobs, needs not being met (and not knowing how to ask for them to be met), not getting enough exercise or movement, not having enough quiet time—you get where I'm going with this?

It may seem like when someone "isn't in the mood for sex" with us, that it has to be because of us—but I can assure you that is rarely the case. Think back to the times when you haven't wanted to have sex. Did you have a rough day? Were you feeling sad or stressed or overwhelmed? Or possibly even just tired and disconnected from your body? 

We all have other needs that often need to be met or understood for sex to feel inviting and freeing.

Desire also works differently for different people: 35% of cisgender women experience responsive desire, which is when desire shows up in response to a stimulus—something sexy happens, and the body responds. On the contrary, 75% of cisgender men experience spontaneous desire, which is precisely what it sounds like—it shows up instantly, with or without stimulation. 

If this difference isn't acknowledged between two people, it could seem that they have different sex drives, aka libidos, rather than having different types of desire.

This ever-shifting desire is just one part of the libido equation, which actually looks more like a combo of your brain and body's instincts: what set of circumstances might turn you on, what set of circumstances turns you off, and most importantly, how sensitive those "let's go" or "let's not" instincts are to the circumstances happening in and around you. These instincts were dubbed by sex educator Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., as your sexual accelerator and sexual brakes.

With an understanding of how desire and libido each work, it might be easier to understand why some partners may struggle with communicating about sex with their partners—because without the right tools, anything can feel confusing.

It's important to bring this up because our society doesn't do a great job of educating us on different relationship structures other than monogamy. If you and your partner are monogamous and have very different sexual needs, there could be a conversation about what opening your relationship would look like.

Now, I don't encourage doing this on a whim. I'd suggest doing loads of research, listening to educational podcasts, reading The Ethical Slut, and possibly talking to an ethically nonmonogamous-supporting therapist first.

Communicate, communicate, and then communicate some more. You know when you're really excited about someone new and want to know everything about them? You ask them loads of questions and love constantly learning about them? Treat your sex life with your partner like that too, whether you've been together for one year or 50-plus years. We are continually evolving and growing, and our sex life is no different. Being inquisitive adds curiosity, spark, safety, and fun to your sex life. And who doesn't love that?

Sex only feels awkward to talk about when we don't talk about it. It will likely feel very uncomfortable first if you and your partner(s) aren't used to having in-depth conversations, and that's OK. Uncomfortable doesn't have to mean bad.