This Common Habit Increases Your Odds Of Divorce, According To Marriage Research

When you're upset about something in your relationship, it's a good idea to bring up the issue with your partner proactively and directly. However, research shows that the way you bring it up can have a huge impact on how well the conversation goes—and, in the long run, whether your relationship is likely to last.

That might sound like:

While some people might think this harsh dialogue is to be expected when someone's legitimately upset with their partner, there are actually long-term ramifications of this style of conflict: Gottman's research1 found married couples who use these harsh startups are more likely to get divorced in the next six years than those who use gentler startups.

Importantly, all of the example statements above do actually contain valid concerns, needs, or hurt feelings that deserve to be addressed. However, Earnshaw notes that bringing up concerns in this particular way turns a valid complaint into a criticism—a negative commentary on the character of your partner.

So, if you actually want to see your issues get resolved and get your relationship back to a healthy place, harsh startups will only get in your way—no matter how upset you are with your partner or how much you really do feel like it's their fault.

That means avoiding blaming, judging, belittling, or attacking your partner when you're bringing up an issue. Instead, focus on simply explaining two things: how you feel and what you need.

Another example:

It's helpful to remember that, no matter how much you feel your partner is at fault, your goal in bringing up the issue shouldn't be to prove a point or to make your partner feel bad. The goal is to help them understand what's bothering you and then to ask for something else. That means your partner needs to be your ally in this endeavor, not your enemy.

Learning to be kind to your partner, even when you're upset with them, is no easy task—but it's necessary for productive conversations and for a relationship to remain healthy in the long run.