How To Find Yourself In 14 Small, Meaningful Steps

Finding yourself can mean different things for different people. But according to clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., in the most general sense, the process of finding yourself can be described as getting to know and accept one's genuine, innermost self. 

"When you find yourself, there's often a sense of 'coming home' to a place of self that feels authentic and familiar. This sense of homecoming is common for those who never knew themselves and those who lost themselves along the way," she tells mbg, adding, "As a Jungian-based psychologist, the process of individuation—which entails coming to terms with the conscious and unconscious parts of the psyche—describes the ultimate goal of finding yourself."

For some, this might involve learning core values and living a life that is in alignment with those values. It may also look like making better choices, which can positively impact self-esteem and help reclaim internal narratives.

"We live in a society where we are constantly being told who we are and how we should act," adds licensed therapist Alyssa "Lia" Mancao, LCSW. "Finding yourself can also mean filtering through this noise and [finding] an inner dialogue that is kind, compassionate, and in resonance with how you would like to be, and not what you think others want you to be."

Self-discovery—the art of finding oneself—is a critical element of both psychological and spiritual growth.

"Finding yourself improves your life's satisfaction," Mancao adds. "It helps you get in touch with your wants, needs, desires, and joys. Doing this helps us live in alignment with what is true for us."

She notes that people sometimes live their lives based on a version of themselves they think others will like the most. "This can lead to increases in stress and anxiety because we are having to overcompensate and put on an 'act.' Also, others' opinions and needs of us are constantly shifting, which would mean that we would have to shape-shift our energy and personality based on each person; this is exhausting."

Manly says one of the most common challenges on the journey of finding yourself is friction with family members or friends who become uncomfortable with the changes that often occur during the process.

For example, people-pleasing behaviors often diminish during the self-discovery process, and these shifts can be upsetting for those who are accustomed to the familiar doormat-style dynamics. "Over time, you might realize that some people in your life only exist because they benefited from your people-pleasing, and you start to see that these relationships might be more one-sided," says licensed mental health counselor Tracy Vadakumchery, LMHC.

According to psychotherapist Beth Gulotta, LMHC, we are constantly sizing ourselves up to other people. It can cause confusion or lack of clarity on what we actually want and desire for ourselves. "We see someone else doing it—new job, cool vacation, marriage and kids—and we can be pulled into this idea that we need to do it too, even if we may not want any of those things. We get stuck in the 'should' or 'have to' narrative and get pulled away from an 'I want to' narrative."

When it comes to finding yourself, a great place to start is figuring out what your values are. "Your values are the things that are most important to you in life, such as honesty, compassion, or creativity," licensed clinical social worker and sex therapist DuEwa "Kaya" Spicer, LCSW, CCATP, CST, explains to mbg. "Take some time to reflect on your values and identify the ones that resonate with you the most."

It's often said we should let go of the past in order to step into our future, but the past can actually be a useful guide to finding yourself. Licensed therapist Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali, LMFT, suggests "thinking back to a time when life felt fun and simple. What activities did you do? Who did you surround yourself with? What triggered those easy feelings? Try to recreate a version of that time of your life. Note that it doesn't have to be a copy-and-paste version, but these questions are just a guideline."

Taking it a step further, try implementing a full mindfulness practice into your routine to help support your self-discovery process. 

"Mindfulness is being present and aware of your thoughts, feelings, and surroundings without judgment," New York–based neuropsychologist Sanam Hafeez, Psy.D., tells mbg. "It can help you develop self-awareness and gain insight into your thoughts and emotions."

Finding yourself is all about building inner trust, says Samuels. Unfortunately, if you have lived life based on the expectations of others, you likely have found no room to build trust within. But when we do trust ourselves, we are able to take chances and to step outside of our comfort zone with a greater sense of ease.

Licensed mental health counselor Jessa White, M.A., LMHCA, suggests trying to find other people that inspire you to help you figure out who you want to be. 

"The truth is, many of us turn out like our parents," she tells mbg. "We subconsciously and consciously follow the path they lay. But finding yourself means figuring out what you align with, not what you were born into."

If you think about it, we are all born curious. That curiosity encourages us to go from crawling to walking, so we can explore the world around us. "Unfortunately, because we are given so many messages to 'be careful' as we move through life, we can slowly lose that connection to our innate curiosity as we opt to go the safe route(s)," says Samuels. "But when we reconnect to that innate curiosity, we are creating space to honor the things that excite us about life, and that then allows us to connect deeply to the truth of who we are." 

Unlearning your people-pleasing instincts is a big part of finding yourself because when you're always focused on making sure everyone else is OK, you're not focusing on yourself. 

"Take your people-pleasing anxiety on a case-by-case basis," Vadakumchery recommends. "When you know your brain is just making up scenarios, do the opposite of what it's telling you to do. If it's saying, 'Do the most for this person' without any reasons as to why, try doing less and see what happens. You might find that this person didn't notice any changes to your relationship and still appreciates you."

Psychologist Robyn McKay, Ph.D., describes "flow" as the consciousness state that's associated with creativity. It's when you lose track of time and become engaged and absorbed in an activity that's challenging and fulfills your soul. 

It does take time to get comfortable with the self-discovery process. Instead of focusing on the outcome, Mancao suggests shifting your focus. 

The journey of finding yourself is something that most people will tackle at some point in their lives. It's not something you check off your to-do list and move on with your day. Finding yourself is often a lifelong process, and as we grow and change, there will be new things to learn and discover about ourselves.