Do You Need To Figure Yourself Out Before You Can Find A Life Partner?

There are three false beliefs going on with this question:

Healing is an ongoing process that actually has no endpoint. There is no "getting there." Any time we are taking responsibility for our own feelings and are open to learning about loving ourselves and others, we have "healed moments." But whenever we are abandoning ourselves by ignoring or numbing our feelings with various self-judgments or addictions, we are acting from an unhealed, wounded part of ourselves. And we all do this to varying degrees.

We attract at our common level of woundedness or our common level of emotional health, and it is unrealistic to believe that there is a perfect, evolved healed partner out there. We are each a work in progress.

No matter how much healing you do as a single person, everything unhealed comes up in a primary committed relationship. Our deepest level of woundedness occurred in our first relationships, and our deepest level of healing can occur with a partner—if you are both open to learning and on a healing path.

Attraction occurs primarily on the energy level. The Law of Attraction states that "like attracts like," which means that like frequency attracts like frequency. We are in a low-frequency state when we are anxious, depressed, angry, insecure, shamed, empty, jealous, and so on, and we are in a high-frequency state when we are peaceful, secure, fulfilled, kind, compassionate, and loving. When we abandon ourselves, we cause the low-frequency feelings, and when we are loving ourselves, we are creating the high-frequency feelings.

Likewise, the most important quality you need to look for in a partner is whether that person is open to learning about themselves and about you. Two open people easily resolve conflict and keep their hearts open to sharing love. You can have great chemistry and lots in common, but if one or both of you are not open to learning in conflict, it won't take long before you abandon yourself and then try to control the other person into giving you what you are not giving to yourself. That means the most important action you can take to get ready for a loving relationship is to practice being open to learning with your own feelings and with others.

If you're waiting around for yourself to be completely done with your inner work before you start opening yourself to romance and connection, you'll be waiting forever. The process of understanding yourself, bettering yourself, and loving yourself happens both inside and outside relationships—and if you've found it difficult to do this in your past relationships, they likely weren't healthy ones or simply weren't the right fit for what you need. That's OK. It doesn't mean relationships aren't for you, nor does it mean you're not ready for relationships. It just means you have room to grow, and if you do want a relationship, you can certainly have one—you just need to find someone who is willing and excited to be growing with you.